by John Hawkins | December 8, 2004 7:55 pm
Random Drug-testing for Fans Urged Increasingly fearful of being attacked by athletes climbing into the stands, sports fans in record numbers have taken to using steroids to bulk up for such violent encounters.
Those are the findings of Dr. Logan Dinelle of the University of Minnesota, who has been studying steroid usage by professional sports fans for the past five years and says that the practice is “unquestionably” on the rise.
“The average sports fan goes to a game now recognizing that there is a distinct possibility, if not a probability, that an athlete will attack him at some point,” says Dr. Dinelle. “If that athlete is on steroids, the fan will lose that fight if he is not on steroids, too.”
One fan who participated in Dr. Dinelle’s study on condition on anonymity says that he started taking steroids three years ago because “all the other fans were doing it.”
“Any fan who goes to a professional sporting event not on steroids is, in my opinion, a chump,” the fan says.
Far from condoning steroid usage among sports fans, Dr. Dinelle calls the trend “troubling” and says that Major League Baseball and the National Basketball Association should institute random drug-testing of fans “immediately.”
“Over the past few years, we’ve noticed that in fights between athletes and fans, the fans have often won,” Dr. Dinelle says. “If it turns out that those fans were on steroids, all of those records should be thrown out the window.”
Elsewhere, President Bush said that in order to shrink the deficit he would check the back of the Declaration of Independence for a treasure map.
If you enjoyed this satire by Andy Borowitz, you can read more of his work at The Borowitz Report.
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