by John Hawkins | May 14, 2007 2:33 pm
Last week, I put out a post called, “The Ten Best Manly Action Films Of All-Time.”
Well, this week-end, Lorie Byrd from Wizbang suggested I do a post on the 10 least manly action films of all-time.
This is a considerably harder task because if the movie looks really wimpy, I quite naturally avoid it and therefore, can’t really rate it. So, with that in mind, let me take a crack at it (Here are 5 and a bonus pick)…
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: Frodo was never the most manly action hero anyway and when you combine that with the endless hugging of Sam, well let’s just say it’s not exactly a testosterone fest.
Alexander: Oliver Stone took the world’s greatest conqueror and portrayed him as a feminized pretty boy with mother issues.
Superman Returns: They may as well have just called this “Lois Lane” the movie because it was really more about her than Superman.
The Abyss: I have always hated this movie with a burning passion because at the end of it, after these underwater aliens have threatened to anihilate the human race, the liberal hippies in the movie are happy that their new overlords have demanded that humans stop fighting each other. Hooray for our new alien/fish overlords!
Collateral Damage: In this movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a firefighter whose wife is killed by terrorists, and he goes after them to get revenge. Great idea for a movie, right? Especially since this came out in 2002. But instead of grabbing an Uzi and a rocket launcher, Ah-nold went all MacGyver on the terrorists. How about a little more mayhem and a little less, look, how clever I am!
District B13: This was a movie I’d heard good things about, but it featured experts in Parkour, a French martial art that mainly consists of — I kid you not — running away from people.
Update #1: Some people in the comments section are saying that they don’t remember the events from The Abyss that I mentioned. Those lines are from the director’s cut.
It’s right near the end and the aliens that have nearly destroyed humanity rise to the surface and send a message that either wars have to stop or they will anihilate humanity. This message is inexplicably cheered, despite the fact that it would mean that the human race would now have merciless new masters who could wipe us out on a whim…
“Lindsey take the mike and sits before the screen. During the message, her voice will go through an emotional spectrum from confusion to wonder, to a childlike joy.
INTERCUT BETWEEN DEEPCORE AND EXPLORER BRIDGE DURING THE FOLLOWING:
“VIRGIL BRIGMAN BACK ON THE AIR/HAVE SOME NEW FRIENDS DOWN HERE/I GUESS THEYVE BEEN HERE AWHILE/ THEYVE LEFT US ALONE BUT IT BOTHERS THEM TO SEE US HURTING EACH OTHER/GETTING OUT OF HAND LATELY”
Lindsey grins as she reads the next part…
“THEY SENT A MESSAGE/HOPE YOU GOT IT”
I’d say that’s a big 10-4, jack.
“THEY WANT US TO GROW UP A BIT AND PUT AWAY CHILDISH THINGS/OF COURSE ITS JUST A SUGGESTION.”
INT. BENTHIC EXPLORER BRIDGE — DAY 240
Beyond the windows the ocean is calm. The sky steel-gray put placid. McBride turns to Commodore DeMarco and the Navy contingent, his eyebrows cocked.
Looks like you boys might by out of business.
Something’s going on down there. I’m getting some big readings….
Bendix is hunched over the sonar, and we can see the screens lit up like a Wurlitzer.
INT. DEEPCORE 241
In Deepcore the crew becomes aware of a strange subsonic rumbling. The sonar is going crazy. One Night puts the headphones of her passive sonar rig up to her ear, then jerks it away.”
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