by John Hawkins | September 15, 2004 8:40 pm
The world is a wondrous place, isn’t it?
No, it is not.
In fact, the world is extremely boring and always has been. Yeah, when the continents shifted apart, that was notable. That advent of advanced forms of life was worth some interest. Other than that, really nothing of note has happened. Early man just sat around doing boring things like making clay pots, and early journalists told stories about how everyone was sitting around doing boring things like making clay pots. It was horrible.
Then came the advent of forged documents
The first forged document dates back to 21,000 B.C., though the people showing it at the time said it was written in 21,034 B.C. It’s a cave painting of hunters taking down a woolly mammoth (an animal which never actually existed). Some at the time pointed out how the brownish-red paint used for the mammoth had not been invented back in the 30’s (21,030’s, I mean). Those people were quickly shouted down, and the legend continues to this day.
From then on, there have been tons of great stories in human history… all fraudulent. One of the best examples is the Bible. Any handwriting expert worth his salt will admit that the source material for the more exciting parts of the Bible does not match up with documents known to have been penned by the hand of the Almighty. The original Bible simply wasn’t selling very well, so the faithful decided to spice it up. Most likely, the Israelites happened to find boats when they reached the Red Sea, but the obviously forged sea parting story was considered much more exciting.
Another great example comes from paleontologists. All extinct animals they discovered were just more boring variations of living lizards and rats. So, in 1858, William Parker Foulke made a fossil out of plaster which was later named a “dinosaur.” Because this increased interest in biology many more “fossil finds” soon followed (today’s dinosaur fossils are made from a much more sophisticated plastic).
Then there’s American history. All documents about the supposed “Revolutionary War” used penning techniques that were not available until the early 19th century. What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, “Aight.” Later on, this simply didn’t seem like an interesting way for a country to be founded, so the whole war with the British tale was invented which got great play in the media.
I could keep going on, but the point is that any interesting story you ever heard is based on a forged document and never happened because the world is an extremely boring place. Now, with the advent of blogging, we have all these wiseasses in pajamas suddenly pointing out documents are forged and ruining everyone’s fun. If you’re wondering why Rather’s documents are such crude forgeries, it’s because it used to be taboo to point such things out.
So there is the choice we have now; we can have a rich history full of grand epics, or we can pat ourselves on the back for how smart we are for showing how the Dead Sea Scrolls were made with WordPerfect. And just one final thing for those who think it was so great to prove the documents saying Bush was AWOL are forged: There was no Vietnam War! There isn’t even a country called Vietnam! Journalist decided a war would work great for the news cycle, and then some wise ass thought it would be a neat twist if we loss in the end. All the people who thought they were in “Vietnam” were actually in the jungles of Brazil. John Kerry got all three purple hears hurting himself in a pool in a sound stage in Hollywood. I have a co-worker who claimed to have escaped Vietnam with his family when the war ended, but, after badgering him, I got him to admit he was actually Korean and was paid by NBC to say that story to keep the “Vietnam War” story alive.
Now that you know the truth, do you feel happy? No you don’t. So stop questioning any more documents the media presents you unless you want the news to be filled with stories about people making clay pots.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire” and “A Big Thick Book to Hide a Gun In” (with a foreword by Charlton Heston).
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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