by John Hawkins | March 31, 2008 6:22 am
The Dems are a bit pathetic lately, so I thought I should give them some help as someone has to challenge McCain to keep him from lazily sliding leftwards. Obviously, they need a way to pick their candidate that satisfies both sides. With the Hillary and Obama so close in delegates, the simple election solutions are going to leave a large number of Democrats feeling cheated. And, frankly, they love feeling cheated and complaining about the fact. So, more extraordinary measures are needed.
Now, the most obvious solution is putting them in some sort of cage with weaponry where only one leaves. I don’t think this will work for the Democrats, though, because they won’t think Obama with his saccharine message of hopey change can stand up to the vicious Hillary who has long thirsted for his blood. Instead, they need to compete on a plane Democrats are more familiar with.
How about they are each given a billion dollars in tax money, and whoever spends it all the first wins. They can’t just spend it on military weaponry (and, being Democrats, they wouldn’t want to), and instead have to spend it all on wasteful, counterproductive social programs. That would prove which one of them is the most hardcore Democrat.
Another idea is a competition for sympathy by them having to convince a TV audience which one of them is the most victimized by society. A call in vote will determine once and for all who has it rougher — women or minorities — and Ryan Seacrest will announce the winner… after the break.
Also, they could get a group of foreigners and Obama and Hillary could compete on who could befriend the most. Having foreigners like us is of the utmost concern to Democrats.
If none of that is satisfactory, Democratic leaders can take advantage of the fact that many Democrats, being anti-religious, believe about any supernatural crap. The heads of the Democrats can say they are going to go to a secret seance room where they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history and have them consult and decide on who should be the nominee. Then they can just head to where the coffee machine is and flip a coin… or just decide to nominate Hillary so she’ll release their families. Whatevs.
This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.
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