Frank Predictions: The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | September 9, 2003 4:22 pm

The Congressional Black Caucus and Fox News will present a debate of the nine Democrat presidential candidates tonight at 8pm ET. I am going to go ahead and make some bold predictions about the debate. Since I’ll probably be playing F-Zero GX while it’s on, someone else watch and tell me how many I got right.


* Howard Dean will set the tone for the debate by announcing at the beginning that Saddam Hussein must immediately be found and then restored to power.

* Joe Liberman will try to convince the Democrats he’s crazy enough to be their nominee by biting the head off a live bat. He will somehow make the act extremely boring.

* Dennis Kucinich’s tinfoil hat will be completely ineffective at stopping the mind controlling space lasers.

* John Edwards will adamantly declare that he’s just a regular guy and that he will use his trial lawyer skills to sue anyone who says otherwise.

* Fox News will use when Carol Moseley Braun speaks to have commercial breaks.

* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.

* Al Sharpton will interrupt Bob Graham by shouting, “Shut up, Graham cracker!” because it’s just too good a line.

* Dick Gephardt will make some sudden hand movements that will enrage Howard Dean into an attack.

* Bob Graham will try to outdo everyone in angry, anti-Bush invective and end up breaking a hip. It will be the highlight of the bloopers reel.

* There will be a lightning round France appease-off. Kerry will win with his haughtiness and French lookingness.

* Dennis Kucinich will start screaming in response to a high-pitch noise only he can hear.

* Dick Gephardt will use the Democrat’s dark powers to summon Satan, who will announce that he is still undecided.

* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.

* When things get too boring, the debate will be broken up by an unscheduled ninja attack. That wacky Fox.

* When not speaking, Al Sharpton will eat a hoagie. Dennis Kucinich will start whining and crying when he realizes it was his.

* John Edwards will use his séance powers to talk to his dead political prospects.

* Carol Moseley Braun will fiercely and violently fight for her position of most irrelevant.

* Due to lax security, a stray dog will wander onto stage. Scared and confused, the dog will bite the haughtiest and French lookingest candidate he sees: John Kerry. Kerry will somehow work into his yelp of pain that he served in Vietnam.

* Since the debate will be sponsored by the Black Caucus, there will be a contest to determine which candidate is the blackest. In a surprise upset, Joe Liberman will win.

* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.

* Dick Gephardt will try and declare that Bush is a “miserable failure” but will miserably fail and instead say “mailurable fissure”.

* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave.

* At the end of the debate, people will unanimously declare that the winner was Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken. He will also beat each candidate at tic tac toe.

* Al Sharpton will fry and eat that chicken. Poor Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken; this world was just too much for him.

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J, you can read more of his work at IMAO[1].

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