Frank Suggestions For Kerry Campaign Commercials By Frank J.

Kerry needs to catch up in the polls. For that, he’ll need some powerful commercials. There are a few issues he needs to hit, and I think I know how he should do them.

First, he needs to settle the controversy about his Vietnam service once and for all:

* * * *


Kerry: You may not know this, but I served in Vietnam. That’s right, I was in Vietnam and was shot at and everything. I even have medals.

[Kerry shows his medals to the camera and then tosses them away.]

Kerry: Plus I have wounds.

[Kerry pulls up sleeve and holds his arm to the camera.]

Kerry: You’ll probably need HDTV to see it. Now, can you really imagine having a president who wasn’t on a boat being shot at? That’s crazy. You may have also heard about my testimony after I left Vietnam about war crimes. That’s just how dedicated I am: I will commit war crimes on America’s behalf. Now that is real leadership.

[Fade to black and show the logo “John Kerry: He commits war crimes.”]

* * * *

Next Kerry need to let people know exactly where he stands on the war in Iraq:

* * * *


Kerry: Some people claim they can’t tell what my position is on the war in Iraq. Well, I want to settle this once and for all.

[Kerry reaches down to pick something up, but is unable.]

Kerry: Jeeves, help me here.

Kerry’s Butler: Certainly, sir.

[Together, they lift up a gigantic book.]

Kerry: In this 8,000 page book I wrote entitled “Whether the Iraq War is Right or Wrong,” I definitively answer my views on the current war in Iraq. I will send this free to any voter – though UPS is charging $100 for shipping.

[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: He has heavy views on heavy issues.”]

* * * *

A poll of other countries shows that Kerry would win in a landslide if this were a worldwide election. Hmm. People who hate America and don’t want it to be a superpower would vote for Kerry.

Anyway, maybe it’s time for Kerry to show his foreign support.

* * * *


Kerry: Just listen to these unnamed foreign leaders I met in New York restaurants who they think should be president.

[One leader is on screen, face blacked out.]

Foreign Leader 1: I like this Kerry! He speaks zee French. He knows to consult weeth French people on important matters, and not stupid Americans!

[Another leader with face blacked out appears on screen.]

Foreign Leader 2: I like Kerry and I hate jooooos!

[Yet another leader appears with face blacked out.]

Foreign Leader 3: That camera is shiny!

[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: Anonymous foreign people think he should be president; shouldn’t you?”]

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work here.

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