by John Hawkins | July 21, 2005 7:11 pm
The Patriot Act is up for renewal. It’s been controversial for a long time, but many people still don’t know the facts about it. Thus, as a service to you, the public, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about the Patriot Act.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE PATRIOT ACT
* The “patriot” in The Patriot Act is actually an acronym for “Phat Acronym That Really Is Orwellian, Though”.
* There are many clauses in The Patriot Act that concerns people, but all agree the scariest part of is its suspicious name.
* The Patriot Act was passed 99-1 in the Senate soon after 9/11, with the onc Senator voting against it being labeled an enemy combatant and indefinitely imprisoned as ordered by The Patriot Act.
* The Patriot Act is out there for anyone to read, but, according to The Patriot Act, that is considered a suspicious activity and makes you a person of interest.
* The Patriot Act allows the FBI to look at library records. This power has yet to be used, though, since pretty much no one uses a library anymore.
* The FBI wanted The Patriot Act to allow them to look at Google searches, but Google protested saying they only work in compliance with Communist countries to oppress people.
* Many people have raised objections to The Patriot Act – some of whom have even read it. According to The Patriot Act, these people are enemy combatants, and you must shoot them on site or be considered an enemy of the state yourself.
* The Patriot Act gives great new surveillance technology to the FBI, allowing them to spy on you through what looks like a period at the end of this sentence.
* Stop staring at that period!
* Yeah, they still need to use an exclamation point for audio.
* The Patriot Act allows more wire-tapping ability for law enforcement, something that’s been denounced by numerous people so boring that you couldn’t pay people to spy on them.
* The provisions of The Patriot Act has helped law enforcement capture numerous terrorists and, through a mix-up, one terrier.
* President Bush is currently urging Congress to renew The Patriot Act. This doesn’t mean he supports it, though, as, according to The Patriot Act, the President must urge its renewal or be considered an enemy combatant.
* If ever attacked by The Patriot Act, imprison yourself indefinitely to steal its thunder.
* While The Patriot Act is immune to most attacks, it is scared of fire.
* In a fight between Aquaman and The Patriot Act, Aquaman would be locked up indefinitely and then be forgotten. After years of solitary confinement, he’d begin to believe he has the power to talk to cockroaches… which is just crazy!
* Some judges have ruled against clauses in The Patriot Act. They were all mysteriously killed as dictated by the Patriot Act.
* I guess the deaths aren’t so mysterious since they were ordered by The Patriot Act, but The Patriot Act says you need to act like they were mysterious or you will be considered an enemy combatant.
* According to The Patriot Act, the fact that you consider The Patriot Act an enemy and want to find information about makes you an enemy combatant. In compliance with The Patriot Act, I have now sent your IP address to the FBI. Thanks for participating in this IMAO sting operation, and may your indefinite detention be a pleasant one.
This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.
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