George W. Bush To Bring Twister Mat To Third Debate By Matt Myford

by John Hawkins | October 13, 2004 7:40 pm

President Bush will “tote along a Twister mat and fourteen flexible Romanian gymnasts” for tonight’s debate to “further illustrate John Kerry’s multiple positions on Iraq,” Republican operatives said yesterday.

The third presidential debate, to be held at Arizona State University tonight, was to focus primarily on domestic issues, but Bush’s stage props should ensure that foreign policy, particularly Kerry’s wishy-washy stance on terrorism, will once again carry the day.

Vice President Dick Cheney said Bush’s on-stage accessories should rival Carrot-Top, a notorious prop comic. “George will not only get his point across…he’ll also have the audience doubled over with laughter,” said Cheney.

Kerry said in the second debate that he’s “only had one position on Iraq.” Republican advisers and statisticians, meanwhile, estimate that Kerry has “held no less than 814 positions on Iraq.”

“Once these Romanian gymnasts start bending all over the place,” said the president, “the American people will realize the crazy stances John Kerry has taken. By the way, all the gymnasts will be female, of course,” the president said with a wink.

When notified of Bush’s plan for the debate, Kerry campaign strategists immediately complained of “blatant sexism in illustrating Kerry’s foreign policy stances.”

Kerry campaign manager Tad Devine said if the American people “need any more proof this president will outsource our jobs, this is a perfect example.”

“There would’ve been nothing wrong with the president asking American gymnasts like Carly Patterson or Courtney Kupets to flop around of the Twister mat,” Devine said. But no…he’s having cheap Romanian labor to his dirty work.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Matt Myford, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz[1].