Have A Fair Election Or We Will Bomb You And The Country Next To You: An Editorial By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | December 1, 2004 12:12 am

Okay, Ukraine, we have a lot of crap to deal with. We have countries filled with wackos who love to blow themselves up, so we don’t have time to deal with someone who can’t count his chads. You think this is funny? We don’t. We’re p*ssed off, actually. And you know what happens when we’re p*ssed off.

“Our degrees of diplomacy are measured by the tons of explosive used.” I guess you don’t care about that though. You just want to d*ck around and don’t care what happens. I bet we could set Kiev aflame and this would still be some big joke to you. “Look at us silly Ukrainians, having election trouble and causing more instability in the world!” How about we bomb a few y’s out of Kryvyy Rih (Kryvyy? ‘y’ is sometimes a vowel; try getting friendly with stalwarts ‘a’, ‘e’, ‘i’, ‘o’, and ‘u’)? That means nothing to you, huh? You just like being the center of world attention.

Then what if we bomb… I dunno… Belarus? What, I have your attention now? I never even heard of the country, but I guess you have. They’re right next to you. I’m sure you and the Belarusians get together and dance happy little East European dances. So what happens if we bomb Minsk, Pinsk, and cities in Belarus that don’t rhyme? What, you think we’re bluffing? Hey, we’re crazy, muchachos, and all you foreign countries start to look the same to us. You keep up your crap, Ukraine, and you’ll be seeing the Belarusians screaming and weeping and it will be all on you.

Oh, so suddenly this isn’t funny anymore. Well, we’re America, and our degrees of diplomacy are measured by the tons of explosive used. So why don’t you have an open and fair election, or we will bomb you and the country next to you.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us[1] – though is still available to replace William Safire if anyone from the NY Times is reading – and is the author of such books as “The Hindenburg Has Crashed into the Titanic: An Analysis of the Current State of the Democratic Party” and “Cats Like Lamps.” (**Yes, this is satire **)