Hormel Issues Warning About Counterfeit SPAM By William Grim

by John Hawkins | September 30, 2003 6:13 pm

Washington, DC – The Hormel Corporation today issued a worldwide warning about counterfeit packages of SPAM that have begun to appear in the marketplace. SPAM, Hormel’s signature product and a staple of gourmet restaurants and kennels throughout the world, has been in short supply of late largely due to its rapidly expanding use on the internet.

Although the recipe for SPAM is a closely guarded trade secret, the foodstuff is thought to contain puree of swine intestine, desiccated rat ovaries, sawdust and a gelatinous bonding agent made from sheep brains. Scientists have long touted the health benefits of daily SPAM consumption, noting the quasi-meat substance’s ability to destroy cancer cells and just about any other thing it comes into contact with.

Harvey Stadlmeier, Hormel’s Director of Communications, spoke to this reporter about how to tell the difference between real and fake SPAM. “Real SPAM has a gooey jell covering that has a brownish tint and smells like bat guano,” said Stadlmeier. “Fake SPAM smells like doggy doo-doo. There’s a big difference.”

If you enjoyed this satire by William Grim, you can read more of his work Broken Newz[1].