by John Hawkins | July 8, 2003 8:16 pm
If It Can’t be Solved by Kill’n Foreigners, It Can’t be Solved By Frank J.: I haven’t said much about the conflict in Iraq in a while, as there isn’t much that is funny about the current situation where the troops are getting attacked every day through guerilla tactics. In response, President Bush told the terrorists, “Bring it on!” and this made the Democrats whine like all ‘ell. So, to get some comment on this situation, I turned to Buck the Marine:
Hi, Buck the Marine here. Getting some stability in Iraq will probably not be an easy thing as there are still many foreigners in Iraq who are alive who shouldn’t be. They think they can attack American troops, and that is a big miscalculation on their part – considering, of course, that the foreigners like not being dead. Some people think we can stop them if we can prove Saddam is all blowed up. You see, Saddam is a really evil man – he’s like extra-foreign – and making sure he’s dead would be very helpful to peace and discourage his supporters. Well, while I think it would be great to kill Saddam (just as I think it’s great to kill any evil foreigner), I also believe that attacks can be stopped without it. Personally, I’ve never known a diplomatic situation that can’t be solved be killing more foreigners, and I think that’s just what we have to do here. Just like, if a dog does something bad such as chewing up a shoe, getting on the furniture, or failing to bite a hippy, you would train him by hitting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, you train foreigners from doing something bad by kill’n ’em. Eventually, they will say, “By doing this bad thing, Americans kill us, so we should stop.” Now, it’s now easy to train foreigners, as it takes time, energy, bullets, and stabbing, but it’s worth the effort to help keep our troops safe.
Some people are angry at Bush for telling the bad guys to, “Bring it on,” but that seems perfectly fine to me. We don’t like the foreigners hiding around and waiting to attack us; instead, we like them out in the open where we can kill them good. Currently, many troops are going days without a chance to kill foreigners, and that is hard on their morale. Now, personally, I wouldn’t have said things exactly the way Bush did; what I usually yell out to foreigners is “You die now!” or, to be more clear, “You die now ’cause you foreign!” That’s just me, though, and everyone has their own style of dealing with evil foreigners.
Anyway, God please watch over our troops out there and keep them safe, and, if it so pleases You, smite a foreigner or two. But don’t kill too many; that’s our job. Ooh-rah!
If you enjoyed this excellent foreign policy advice / satire from Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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