In A Closed Session Today, The General Assembly Of The United Nations Debated The Fate Of Captured Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein By Rip Rowan

18 Dec, 2003 by John Hawkins

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In a closed session today, the General Assembly of the United Nations debated the fate of captured Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

“The United Nations cannot support the death penalty under any circumstance,” said UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. “The death penalty is a cruel and barbaric punishment now used only by the most backwards of peoples. For example, Texans.”

“Instead we will encourage the humane treatment of Mr. Hussein.”

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) lodged a proposal on behalf of France. “Under our proposal,” said de Villepin, “Saddam will write ‘I will not be a brutal dictator’ 100 times on the blackboard. He will then apologize to his fellows.”

De Villepin responded to claims that the French proposal did not do enough to punish Hussein. “Sacrebleu!,” said de Villepin. “This is ridiculous. Our proposal is very strong. If Saddam apologizes, but does not mean it, then he will have to apologize again.”

“Also, his handwriting must be very clear. If he is hasty, he will have to do-over.”

The proposal was leading the debate. Another proposal, from Sweden, recommended that Saddam stand facing the corner for one hour. The Skeptician learned that this proposal would likely be worked into a Belgian proposal for Saddam to take “a lengthy time-out.”

When asked about the upcoming joint Swedish-Belgian proposal, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder responded, “I think that we have reached a level of substantive agreement. What is in debate at this point is the duration of Saddam’s ‘time-out.’ Others have suggested one hour. Our proposal would be… a little longer.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Rip Rowan, you can read more of his work at The Skeptician.