by John Hawkins | January 13, 2004 12:07 am
“Today marks President Dean’s first one hundred days in office, and it certainly has been an interesting time,” Wolf Blitzer commented.
“And to think that no one thought he could win the presidency against George W. Bush with the economy so strong and the War on Terror doing so well,” Paula Zahn remarked.
“It has been analyzed to death by now,” Wolf responded, “and most say the factors that lead to Bush’s downfall and Dean’s rise to power are quite numerous. One would be that people started to lose trust in Bush after Paul O’Neill said that Bush had planned the attack on Iraq even before 9/11.”
“Even before his presidency,” Paula added.
“Yes. It was found that he had mapped out plans for an invasion of Iraq in a third grade book report on Charlotte’s Web.”
“And he didn’t get a good grade on that book report, did he?” Paula asked.
“No. He didn’t,” Wolf confirmed, “The plans for a war with Iraq was a bit of a non sequitur and didn’t expand on the relationship between the spider Charlotte and the pig Wilbur… which most pundits think is what the teacher was looking for.”
“And then there was the lost campaigning time.”
“True,” Wolf said, “He lost two months of campaigning when he got his head stuck in the banister of the White House stairway.”
“Laura always warned him about playing on the stairway,” Paula commented.
“That’s what she said.”
“And, I guess another factor was the loss of any positive coverage of the Bush candidacy upon the destruction of Fox News.”
“Quite a boon for us,” Wolf chuckled. “It was quite a surprise, though, when Bill O’Reilly’s unchecked ego grew so large that it actually gained mass, finally becoming so immense that it collapsed upon itself and pulled all of Fox News into a black hole. Thus, only our liberal slant was left to ‘inform’ the American public.”
“And we can admit that we’re liberal now that we have no real competitor,” Paula smiled.
“Hence our new slogan: ‘We control what you know, and thus we control what you think.'”
“You are being brainwashed by CNN,” Paula said, imitating James Earl Jones’s deep voice. Both then chuckled for a few moments until breaking down into full out maniacal laughter.
“Back to what we were talking about,” Paula remarked, wiping away tears, “the final factor that probably brought Dean over the top was the mysterious addition of LSD to America’s water supply.”
“Yes, most experts think that’s what finally moved a bunch of the undecided to pull the lever – or pull whatever their drug-addled minds thought they were pulling – for Howard Dean.”
“And it certainly was an awkward transition,” Paula stated.
“Yes. Dick Cheney had yet another heart attack upon hearing that Howard Dean had won the election. Donald Rumsfeld fought back violently and had to be tranquilized before being removed from office. And Condoleezza Rice mysteriously disappeared… presumably into some secret underground lair to plot revenge.”
“And President Dean’s first action in office was quite controversial.”
“It sure was,” Wolf replied. “His withdrawing of all troops from Iraq and reinstating Saddam as leader caused quite a stir, but he said it was the moral choice since the war was wrong in the first place. And now Saddam has vowed to make his previous mass graves look well… less mass in comparison to his new murder spree of his own citizens.”
“It’s great to see he’s still got spirit after the loss of his two sons,” Paula commented.
“Another controversial action was his repeal of the Bush tax cuts.”
“Apparently some selfish people don’t like paying taxes,” Paula said.
“Selfish, selfish people, Paula,” Wolf answered. “But now, to mark his hundred days in office, he is going to broker a peace deal between the Israelis and Palestinians. Let’s go there live.”
They both sat their silently for a moment. “Apparently we don’t have a live feed,” Wolf said, “Well, let’s just go to a commercial. Those pay more.”
* * * *
“If you want peace, you’ll have to make some concessions,” President Howard Dean told the Israelis. “You have to honor the Palestinian cultural tradition, and part of that tradition is killing Jews.”
“Joooos!” shouted the Palestinian negotiator.
“Now, the Palestinians will agree to a Jew-killing limit each month,” Dean explained, “and, as long as they don’t exceed that limit by a large margin, you can’t attack back.”
Sharon looked defeated. “I guess we have no option since you threaten to withdraw all U.S. support and sell arms to the Palestinians if we don’t comply.” Sharon was about to sign the agreement, but then he noticed a strange clause. “What this about a bike path through Jerusalem?”
“What? We didn’t agree to that either?” the Palestinian negotiator exclaimed.
“I didn’t think either of you would mind,” Dean said, a little stunned by the objection, “It’s a great place for a bike path.”
“Not through the holy land!” Sharon yelled.
“We won’t let this happen either,” said the Palestinian.
“Not another religious objection to a bike path!” Dean screamed. He then grabbed the peace proposal and ripped it in two. “No bike path, no peace!”
* * * *
Dean stared out the window of Air Force One. “Nuke them. Nuke them both.”
“But we’ll kill millions of innocent people!” Dean’s Chief of Staff exclaimed.
“Any being that would oppose a bike path is not a person in my eyes!” Dean said adamantly.
“But the rest of the world will object!”
“Then nuke them as well!” Dean shouted. “Nuke any country that opposes my bike path!”
His Chief of Staff recoiled in horror. “You’re insane!”
Dean pulled out a gun and shot the man through the face. “Do not question me or my bike paths!” he screamed at everyone on the plane, the veins bulging out the side of his neck. “Now nuke them! NUKE THEM ALL! SOON ALL THE WORLD WILL BE MY BIKE PATH! MUH HA HA HA!”
* * * *
May 3, 2005
Hello to whom I estimate to be my eight surviving readers. The Bike Path War did not last long. When the U.S. sent nukes at Israel and the Palestinians, it also preemptively attacked Europe and Asia. All nuclear countries quickly responded. France nuked itself to try and preempt any attacks against them. North Korea launched its entire arsenal, some having enough range to even reach outside of its own borders. Other countries were more accurate, and now the entire world lies in ruins. The last image I saw before television went out was of Howard Dean, an insane smile on his face as he peddled over the smoldering ruins of the former world. [email protected] his eyes!
Most of the internet, and, more importantly, the blogosphere has been destroyed, only my blog and Instapundit still remain. Since there are no news feeds to read, Instapundit consists solely of empty quotes followed by either “Heh” or “Indeed”. Glenn Reynolds has gone mad, I tell you, mad! And that’s not just sour grapes because he still gets twenty times the hits I do.
Sorry to not be too funny today, but I’m in quite a dour mood after I had to use the last of my shotgun shells to fend off radioactive monkeys from the bag of oranges I found. I live like Mad Max now, scavenging the remains of the former world just to survive – except I drive a silver Hyundai Accent and I didn’t have the heart to cut one arm off my leather jacket. It’s been a while since I’ve seen another normal human being. As predicted, the main survivors of the nuclear attack were cockroaches, monkeys, and ninjas. Also, hardcore Dean supporters roam the streets like zombies, wearing black robes and eating the skin of any one they capture. How they remained so unchanged by the nuclear blast, I do not know.
What should have been obvious at the election of Dean is now punctuated by the scratching of the monkeys of my door and the moans of the Dean supporters wandering the streets: God has forsaken us… if He existed in the first place.
What is real is the .45 automatic that sits on my lap. I live now but to survive, but I know I can’t last much longer. The human race is destined to die, but, if I have any say, we will not go out with a whimper. I vow not to give up the ghost until I am out of ammo and my gun is beaten to pieces against those [email protected] monkeys’ heads.
And, if I’m alive tomorrow, expect a hilarious Know Thy Enemy: Radioactive Monkeys followed by some Frank Answers™.
[email protected]! The door has given way!
WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME!!!
* * * *
“Hey, Gabriel, you got to see this!” God commandeth.
“Why? What?” questioned the angel Gabriel.
“I’ve almost finished my new universe,” sayeth the Lord, “This one has seven spatial dimensions and two temporal. This should solve all the parking problems in my previous universes. It’s totally sweet.”
“That’s great,” answered the angel Gabriel, “but you should check your answering machine. It’s filled with prayers from Earth.”
“D’oheth!” spoke the Lord, slapping his omnipotent forehead, “I was so absorbed in making this new universe I totally flaked out and forgot all about Earth. So… uh… anything interesting happen there?”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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