by John Hawkins | November 18, 2003 6:53 pm
“Dah! I am governor now! I am Ah-nuld!”
“Yeah, congratulations on getting inaugurated and everything,” President Bush said, “I was so afraid I was going to screw up my own inauguration and not get to be president.”
“What are doing here, puny president man? Don’t you have work to do?”
“I’m just hang’n; see’n how you’re doing,” Bush answered, “I have lots of smart people back in Washington to keep things under control.”
* * * *
“Now that Bush is gone,” Rumsfeld stated, “Let’s start nuking things. Let’s start with Syria.”
“Only if we can nuke Finland,” Condi added.
“Deal. Does the U.N. advisor approve?”
Chomps barked in approval, causing his blue helmet to slip over his eyes, which indubitably made him angry.
“Now, I don’t want to question the wisdom of the Secretary of Defense, National Security Advisor, and a psychotic rottweiler,” Collin Powell stated, “but I think going nuclear is a bit rash, and should be contemplated a bit longer.”
Rumsfeld stared at Powell a moment. “Let’s just cut to the chase: how much do you want to be b*tch-slapped?”
* * * *
“I must improve the economy!” Arnold shouted, “It is too puny! And the debt is too big! I must make it puny!” Arnold then grabbed a write up of the economy and held it vigorously. “You improve economy, or I crush you! Dah!” Arnold then ripped the folder in two and started stabbing it with a ballpoint pen.
“Now, they don’t let me in most of the meeting about the economy,” Bush told him, “but I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“How do you improve the economy then?” Arnold asked, “Tell me, or I will crush you!”
“Well, you reduce taxes.”
“And what if that doesn’t work?”
Bush thought some. “Reduce taxes again.”
“And if that doesn’t work?”
Bush thought long and hard. “Reduce taxes again.”
“But I also need money to reduce the debt! I am Ah-nuld!”
“Money, eh,” Bush mused aloud, “We could do a daring bank robbery… or, better yet, we could go to Vegas and rob a casino. We’ll first need to hang out there and look inconspicuous as we case the joint.”
“Your ideas are puny!” Arnold shouted, “I will crush them! Don’t you have any good ideas for making money?”
“Well, you could always invade a country and steal its oil,” Bush answered, “But you’ll need a army for that…”
Arnold took out an M-60 from behind his desk. “I will do it myself. I am Ah-nuld!”
* * * *
“So governor of California is invading us, eh?”
“Yeah, what’s that all aboot, eh?”
“I dunno, but he just blew up the local gas station, eh.”
“Maybe we should do something, eh?”
“I think we should hide… I’m so scared right now I’m almost forgot to say ‘eh’.”
* * * *
“So is it true that Governor Schwarzenegger has gone on a violent rampage at the advice of the president?”
“It’s not that uncommon for a new governor to do a rampage of some sort,” White House Press Secretary Scott Mclellan answered.
“Yes it is,” the reporter responded.
Scott paused for a moment. “Okay, I got nothing on this one. Anyone want to talk about Iraq?”
“Actually, my question is why did we nuke Syria,” said another reporter.
“And you’re not curious about why we nuked Finland?” Scott responded.
The reporter thought about that. “No, not really.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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