by John Hawkins | July 27, 2004 12:03 am
Above the Democratic National Convention floated the Halliburton Dirigible of Evil.
“Don’t you think ‘Zeppelin of Evil’ would sound eviler?” Bush queried.
“I didn’t name it,” Cheney responded.
Rumsfeld glared down at Boston. “All our enemies in one place – seems like the time for a tactical strike to wipe them out once and for all!”
“No murder!” Bush said, “or Laura will make me sleep on the couch again.”
Chomps jumped up to look out the window, and then wouldn’t stop snarling and barking.
“We could infiltrate them,” Condi said, “find out what they’re up to.”
“Can’t we just watch one of the news stations for that?” Scott McClellan suggested.
“Someone hit Scott,” Bush commanded.
Rumsfeld stared at Scott menacingly until Scott finally punched himself, knocking himself to the ground.
“We’ll get in there and sow seeds of discontent,” Bush chuckled, “or, at least, get some free snacks if they have any. Let’s go.”
* * * *
“Why does it have to be us two doing the infiltrating?” Scott asked Bush as he made sure his fake goatee was on right.
“Because everyone else has too much important stuff to do,” Bush answered as he brushed his porn star mustache.
“I also have important things to do,” Scott complained, “I do the press conferences!”
“I got you a good replacement.”
* * * *
“What does Bush think of his Democrat challengers?”
“Awk! No comment!”
“How much longer are troops expected to be in Iraq?”
“Awk! No comment!”
“What’s Bush’s reaction to the 9/11 report?”
“Awk! Polly want a cracker!”
“Ha! Now we’re getting somewhere!”
* * * *
“Bush is Hitler! How are you guys doing?” Bush said as he inserted himself amongst a group of Democrats.
“We’re handing out fact sheets on Kerry and Edwards so people get to know them better,” said one as he gave some pamphlets to Bush and Scott.
“Facts about John Kerry,” Scott read aloud, “He served in Vietnam.” Scott turned the pamphlet over, but couldn’t find anymore text.
“Facts about John Edwards,” Bush said, “He’s purty looking. P.S. Bush is evil… Hey! No I’m not… I mean, right on!”
“So what’s the plan?” Scott whispered to Bush.
“We’ll get back stage and change the speaker prompts to embarrass the Democrats,” Bush answered, “Follow me.”
They snuck through the convention until they got to the backroom. “Now we just need to find where the prompt is programmed,” Bush said, “Then we can…” Bush froze. “Don’t look up, Scott.”
Scott stopped moving too. “Why?” he whimpered.
“There are ninjas up in the rafters,” Bush uttered, “I just knew the Democrats were conspiring with the evil ninja conglomerate!”
“So what do we do?!”
“We’ll have to fight them to the death using items we can find in this room.” Bush saw a mop and bucket nearby. “I’ll use the mop as a bo, and you can use the bucket as a… well, just try not to die too quickly.”
A throwing star then struck the wall near Bush’s head. He shrieked and ran for the nearest exit. Catching his breath, he looked around to see he was on stage.
“It’s the next speaker!” called out one of the crowd.
“Uh, hey everybody,” Bush said as he walked to the microphone. He then uttered to himself, “Think like a Democrat. Think like a Democrat.” Bush cleared his throat. “Who here hates Bush more than they love America?”
“Republicans are evil!” Bush continued, “They eat babies… who all should have been aborted!”
“Man, I’m on a roll,” Bush said to himself while smiling. “Well, when we’re in power, we’ll change many things. We’ll set taxes to make sure no one is ever rich again!”
The crowd erupted with more clapping and yelling.
“And we’ll make sure poor kids stay in their poor schools where they belong! And all marriages will be gay marriages!”
The crowd was frenzied in cheering now.
“And we’ll never exert force against our enemies again… and make the national language French!” Bush shouted, making his mustache fall off.
The cheering stopped.
“That’s not a porn star! That’s President George W. Bush!” one yelled.
“Let’s kill him!”
Everyone started to climb on to the stage, but Scott then ran out. “Everyone, calm down! We can’t let partisanship rot our minds! We all need to have some understanding and sanity!”
“That guy with the goatee is promoting understanding and sanity!” one of the crowd shouted, “Let’s kill him too!”
As the crowd closed in on Bush and Scott, ninjas crept towards them from behind, ninja swords ready in hand. A new speaker then walked on stage, wearing a suit and glasses.
“Let’s see what the real speaker has to say about this,” one said, and the crowd stopped for a moment.
The speaker trotted to the podium, jumped up, and bit off the microphone. He then chewed it up and spat it out.
“Hey,” one person said, “That speaker looks an angry rottweiler.”
“Not just angry rottweiler,” said one of the ninjas, his sword shaking in his hand, “Very angry rottweiler.”
* * * *
Chomps made a hacking sound. Finally, he coughed up a Birkenstock.
“I told you not to murder Democrats!” Laura yelled at Bush.
“I didn’t, honey!” Bush protested, “I just stood back and laughed as Chomps did.”
Laura pointed to the couch which already had a pillow and blanket on it.
“But, honey, Lincoln haunts this room at night and he’s mean!”
“That’s between you and Lincoln,” Laura said angrily and then marched up stairs.
“Aww,” Bush groaned to himself as he sat on the couch.
“You’re not going to get to sleep for four score and seven years!” a voice echoed throughout the room, “Muh ha ha ha!”
“Can’t you go haunt a log cabin somewhere?”
A book flew through the air and hit Bush in the head.
“Ow!” Bush rubbed his head as he got under the blanket. “Stupid, rail-splitting poltergeist.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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