by John Hawkins | October 7, 2004 5:34 pm
“And now we go to our round table,” Brit Hume announced, “Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call. Of course, our subject is the Vice Presidential debate.”
“Slam dunk for John Edwards, no question,” Barnes stated.
“I dunno, seemed more like a body slam to me,” Kondracke said.
“I’m not really an expert on this sort of thing, but it looked like a pile driver,” Liasson commented.
“But we all agree, that, whether it was a slam dunk, a body slam, or a pile driver,” Hume said, “Edwards’s head was driven through the table at great force after Cheney grabbed him.”
“And I think Cheney made his point,” Barnes stated, “Contrasting strong leadership with weak furniture.”
“You have to give points to Edwards for how he handled it, though,” Liasson commented, “He took the attack quietly… much unlike his earlier crying.”
“I think that was because he was unconscious,” Kondracke said.
“What about the crying?” Hume asked, “Each time Cheney made an attack on Edwards’s or Kerry’s record, Edwards broke down crying. How do you think the voters will react to that?”
“I think people will sympathize with him,” Liasson stated, “Cheney is a very scary man.”
“I disagree,” Kondracke said, “He made him look weak and, frankly, not presidential.”
“Let’s face it,” Barnes exclaimed, “This was Bambi versus Godzilla. You wanted to avert your gaze from the slaughter, but you couldn’t stop staring from morbid curiosity.”
“Edwards made a few good points, though,” Liasson declared, “between the whimpering that is.”
“The whole venue was set against Edwards, though,” Kondracke said, “especially how there was no rule to keep Cheney from thumping Edwards in the head.”
“Which was inappropriate and made Cheney look mean,” Liasson stated.
“On the contrary, I think Cheney looked calm and professional while he beat up Edwards,” Barnes said, “Even after breaking the table with Edwards’s head during his closing statement, Cheney then just fixed his tie and continued talking for the last twenty seconds like nothing strange happened.”
“He was quite calm,” Kondracke agreed, “Almost sedated.”
“A sedated Godzilla,” Hume suggested.
“And that’s what people want now in this war on terror,” Barnes said, “A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten.”
“I think Edwards’s toughness as a child is hardly the issue,” Liasson responded.
“I mean last week,” Barnes stated, “He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him.”
“Let’s move on to Bush’s speech,” Hume said, “Do you think it gives any clue to his strategy for the Friday debate?”
“He is clearly trying to build off the momentum Cheney made,” Kondracke stated.
“And he certainly hinted at something to come,” Barnes commented.
“I believe you’re referring to this statement,” Hume said.
The screen showed Bush standing at his podium. “I have plans for the next debate,” he stated, “Secret, evil plans. Muh ha ha ha!”
“Knowing Bush’s record, I’d be worried that he might hurt himself with evil plans,” Liasson commented.
“His crazy schemes do usually backfire with hilarious consequences,” Kondracke said.
“I guess we’ll all be watching then to see what happens,” Brit Hume stated and then looked to the camera, “Remember to tune in Friday to FOX News for complete debate coverage, body slams, pile drivers, and all.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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