by John Hawkins | November 12, 2003 9:02 pm
“Ask your idiotic questions!” Rumsfeld yelled at the reporters impatiently.
“What do you think of Gen. Abizaid’s statement about using harsher measures in Iraq if attacks don’t stop?”
“I agree with him fully. Anyone who attacks American troops must suffer and die in the worst possible way!” Rumsfeld shouted, “Baby Jesus will cry when he see the torments we inflict upon our enemies! God will laugh, though; He’s always liked vengeance. Next question.”
“What do you prefer: Mac’s or PC’s?”
Rumsfeld pulled out a .45 and unloaded it into the reporter. “You asked an inane question, and you are now dead; I hope that was a learning experience for you. Someone ask a question while I reload.”
“Rep. Charles Rangel has made a resolution resolution asking for you to resign sponsored by twenty-five other Democrats. How do you respond?”
“WHAT?” Rumsfeld screamed in rage as he slapped a magazine into his 1911 and chambered a round. “He will soon be known as ‘Charles Strangled’. They will all die! All of them! The Democrat’s minority in the House is about to get much smaller!”
“How do you…”
“DEATH! No one questions me! No one!”
“In reagards to…”
“What are you doing right now?”
“I’m putting on my strangling gloves,” Rumsfeld answered as he put on a pair of black leather gloves.
“Is that to help you write your resignation? If it is… ack… erk…”
* * * *
“Rep. Charles Rangel, you’ve made a resolution asking for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, correct?” asked a reporter.
“That is correct.”
“And it was sponsored by twenty-five other Democrats?”
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“All of whom were found strangled today?”
“That’s what I hear.”
“Now D.C. police started to put some correlation amongst all those murders, but then went on a lunch break. Do you think the murders are connected?”
“I don’t know,” Rangel answered, “I’m not some conspiracy theorist, but frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all from acts of terrorism… terrorism Donald Rumsfeld failed to stop.”
“It kind of sounds like you just barely survived being strangled yourself,” commented another reporter.
“No, my voice has always been this annoyingly raspy,” Rangel responded, “In fact, it’s really helped me in the House because people will end up agreeing with me just to get me to stop talking – my voice being quite similar to fingers being raked across a chalkboard. Even now, I can see you squirm as you listen to me.”
“The bodies of the twenty-five Democrats were all found with notes saying, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, am strangling these Democrats for their impudence in making that stupid resolution.'” stated a reporter.
“What’s your point?” Rangel asked.
“Do you think the murders might be the work of the ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ in retaliation for your resolution?”
“How would I know?” Rangel said with annoyance, “What am I? Some forensic scientist? I’ll let D.C. homicide worry about that when they get back from their four-hour lunch. Also, I think this ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ nonsense is a media invention.”
“On each body was a list of the twenty-six Democrats who signed the resolution with your name at the bottom of the list, and the ones already killed crossed off,” said a reporter. “On the final body, all but your name was crossed off and written in bold were the words, ‘Charles Rangel is next.’ Do you think you might be the next target?”
“How would I know how some deranged killer’s mind works?” Rangel answered, “Shouldn’t you reporters be investigating and figuring these things out?”
The reporters were all silent for a while. Finally one said, “We’re actually very dumb.”
“Fair enough,” Rangel stated, “but I would like to stop focusing on this murder distraction and instead talk about Donald Rumsfeld’s failure in Iraq to immediately convert a country that had been under a tyrannical dictatorship into a prospering democracy within a week’s time.”
“Melinda Hawkish from Fox News,” spoke up Melinda, “I just wanted to ask exactly how dumb are the people who keep electing you?”
“No specific studies have been done,” Rangel answered, “but my constituents are, for the most part, quite moronic. I would like to remind everyone, though, that, in a democracy, even the stupid deserve representation, and who better to represent the nigh retarded than me?”
Melinda thought about that for a moment. “Well that shut me up.”
Donald Rumsfeld now slowly made his way through the crowd of reporters, his gloved hands held out in front of him, tensed for a strangling.
“Well, if it isn’t the man of the hour,” Rangel stated, “I can tell from your homicidal expression that you’re here to announce your resignation and offer an apology to the American people for your failure in Iraq. I would just like to say… ack… erk…”
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can see more of his work at IMAO.
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