In My World: The Iraq Speech By Frank J.

16 Apr, 2004 by John Hawkins

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“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”

“You don’t have to say that before a speech,” remarked a reporter.

“Shut up!” Bush shouted, “This is my speech, and I can do what I want!” He looked at some index cards. “Now what did I want to say… Oh! We are doing good in Iraq. Many bad people are dying. Osama is a bad man and we will find him. There are many camels in Iraq. And… uh…” He shuffled through his index cards. “Oh yeah… and screw you stupid reporters. I will now open the floor for questions, but I would like to point out that I have one brick.” Bush held up a red brick. “I will throw it at the head of anyone whose question makes me mad. You may think I might not use it on you because your question isn’t maddening enough, but I remind you I’m quite impulsive. Who has the first question?”

“Would you like to apologize for anything involving 9/11 because… AHHH!”

“D@mn; there goes my only brick,” Bush sighed, “Next question.”

“Do you regret anything during your presidency?”

“No, and you suck,” Bush answered.

“Is there anything you think you should apologize for?”

“You’re all asking the same d@mn questions!” Bush exclaimed, “I don’t regret or apologize for anything. It was terrorists who crashed those planes on 9/11; not me! I only crashed two planes in my entire life, and never into buildings. And, after all the terrorist evil, I went and killed bad people, like a good president should. I regret nothing! Now does someone have some question that doesn’t involve apologizing or regretting?”

“What do you think of comparisons of Iraq to the quagmire in Vietnam?”

“That’s stupid,” Bush answered, “Anyone who thinks that is a complete retard… and I mean drooling on himself. Let’s look at the facts. Vietnam was a jungle. Iraq is a desert. There were Asian people in Vietnam. There are Arab people in Iraq. Oh, and one last thing: I’m going to win in Iraq! You hear that?” Bush shook his fist. “Bad people die when I’m president, and I don’t back down! You write that in your writing book thingies.”

“Our notepads?” suggested one reporter.

“Could one of you hand me back my brick?” Bush asked.

No one moved.

“You guys are useless! Ask your next stupid question.”

“Why are both you and Vice President Cheney going to testify before the 9/11 commission together?”

“Well… uh… er…” Bush stammered, “You see… I think Dick might answer that better.”

Cheney walked on to stage. “SHUT UP!” he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.

“Good ‘ole drunken Dick,” Bush chuckled, “Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?”

“Is there anything you regret having done since 9/11?”

Bush groaned. “I regret not bringing more bricks.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J, you can read more of his work at IMAO.