In My World: When God Attacks By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | October 22, 2003 7:02 pm

“Gen. William Boykin, do you take back your statements about God and the current fight with terrorists[1]?” asked a reporter.

“No. America is a Christian nation, and God has helped us all the way by putting Bush in office and giving us victory against the terrorists who worship a false god,” Gen. Boykin answered.

“And how can you be sure of that?”

“Because I say so!” answered a booming voice.

Everyone turned to see the giant figure of God, wearing a duster and a kick@ss cowboy hat. “America is truly a nation under Me,” the Lord continued, “and I’m tired of dealing with all others.”

“Can you prove you’re really God,” asked a skeptical reporter.

“Sure I can… SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!”

Reporters started dropping dead.

“I thought You were supposed to be benevolent!” exclaimed a panicked reporter.

“You’re thinking of Jesus,” God chuckled, “Now I’m going to get Old Testament on all the enemies of America!”

* * * *

“God has gone on a total rampage against terrorists,” the anchorwoman reported, “His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it. We go now to a videotaped statement from Osama bin Laden.”

“I thought Allah was on our side,” said a frightened Osama, “but He’s totally killing us all! He’s even worse than America and the Joooos!” Osama looked behind him. “Oh s**t! Here He comes!”

The videotape ended and the anchorwoman came back on screen. “France has come out to condemn the unilateral action of the U.S., Britain, and the Lord Almighty. France was subsequently swallowed by the earth.”

* * * *

“Oh no!” Buck the Marine exclaimed, “I’m outta bullets and there are still more terrorists to kill!”

“Hey, what’s that falling from the sky,” said another Marine, “Is it manna from heaven?”

“Better,” Bush answered, “It’s ammo! And hollow points too! I guess God doesn’t follow the Geneva Convention.”

* * * *

“I think at this debate today, we Democrats should focus on policy issues instead of Bush hatred,” Sen. Liberman said very slowly and boringly.

The crowd started booing and throwing things at Liberman. “We want mindless Bush hatred!” shouted one of the crowd.

Suddenly a giant figure crashed through the roof. “Oh no!” Gephardt squealed, “It’s God and He looks wrathful!”

“Bush will be president for I have said so!” God announced, “and thus Democrats must be smoten!” Lightning and fireballs flew at all the Democrats. “Kill! Maim! Destroy! Make alive no longer!” God shouted while laughing maniacally.

“Religious extremist!” shouted a Democrat just before exploding into flames.

* * * *

“Do you condone God’s partisan attacks?” a reporter asked.

“Well, I never planned to slaughter all the Democrat candidates,” Bush answered, chuckling a bit, “but you’re not going to get me to publicly disagree with God.”

“Don’t you think God is being a little harsh?” asked another reporter, “When terrorists pleaded to Him for mercy, said He didn’t understand their language and then crushed them under foot.”

“The glory of God is a mystery to all,” Bush explained, “and thus he can be both omniscient and only speak and understand English.” Bush thought for a moment. “Wow! I pronounced ‘omniscient’ correctly. That must mean…”

* * * *

“Wake up!” Condi commanded harshly.

“What?” Bush asked groggily.

“At important meetings about national security,” Condi said angrily, “It’s traditional to STAY AWAKE!”

Bush laid his head back down. “I’m following the Reagan tradition.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO[2].