Iraqi Minister of Tourism Advances Marketing Techniques

Iraqi Minister of Tourism Advances Marketing Techniques By Marni Malarkey: The Iraqi Tourism Ministry, in an attempt to revitalize the war-ravaged country’s economy, have started an ad campaign touting Iraq as the newest hot spring break destination for American college kids. “We’ve got it all here,” said a Tourism Ministry spokesman. “Sun, sand, a half a mile of beach, sand, sand, sun, sand, oil wells, sand and of course, looting. We know American teens would love all of that, especially the looting. And let me tell you, if there’s one thing we love in Iraq, it’s the young people. We love the kids.”

And Iraq, the spokesman was quick to point out, is not a liquor-free fundamentalist Islamic nation “yet.” “Teens can get as drunk here as they would at a fraternity hazing. And since Iraqi girls are generally religious and virginal, there are a lot of sex-starved teenage boys here who would happily welcome visitors of both genders from the United States.”

In an effort to promote Iraq as a tourist locale for the younger generation, Iraqi television has agreed to a joint project with MTV called “Spring Break Iraq 2003.” The show will be feature top US stars — Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Eminem have already agreed to perform — at an outdoor venue on the banks of the Euphrates. “OhmiGod! I’m like so into the whole cradle of civilization thing,” Spears told reporters about the event. Aguilera said she is hoping to export “traditional Western values” such as “sluttiness and extremely bad taste in fashion” to the newly liberated Iraqis. “What an honour,” she told BrokenNewz over the phone. Eminem could not be reached for comment but according to his manager “Marshall is always happy to extol the virtues of hatred and racism wherever he goes.”

Other promotions for “Spring Break Iraq” will include 3 for 1 priced “Goat’s Milk and Vodka Shooters” at participating Iraqi hotels, all-you-can-steal-of-whatever-is-left runthroughs at Saddam’s abandoned palaces and Iraq’s Museum of Antiquities and “hot teenage chick” sex tours of Saddam’s torture chambers (sponsored by Iraq’s Guild of Hookers). Cincinnati teen Tyler McBean, 17, has already signed up for Spring Break Iraq 2003, saying that “a holiday where I can, like, totally have kinky sex in a torture chamber and like, also possibly bring back a centuries old Chaldean vase for my mom’s Mother’s Day gift would be like, totally smokin’.”

If you liked this satire by Marni Malarkey, you can see more of her work at Broken Newz.

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