by John Hawkins | July 26, 2004 12:03 am
Hi, I’m John Edwards, the presumptive Democratic nominee for vice president. There has been a lot of talk from the other side recently about my lack of experience. Well, it’s time to counter that with some hard facts. Below are just some of the amazing things I have managed to accomplish. This’ll show ’em.
– 12th highest batting average, Abbeville County Little League, 1964.
– best-dressed hall monitor, Jefferson Junior High, Charleston, South Carolina, 1968.
– held breath for 87 straight seconds, February 7, 1970.
– listened to “Dark Side of the Moon” in its entirety without touching alcohol or drugs, May 22, 1976.
– sang all the words to “The Star Spangled Banner” by heart while watching a Clemson vs. University of North Carolina football game, November 2, 1983.
– ate three Bigs Macs in one sitting, July 16, 1988.
– collected 15,000 air miles between 1993-6.
– purchased first razor, 1997 (age 44).
– lifelong career of managing not to be Dick Cheney, 1953 – present.
If you enjoyed this satire by The Chortler, you can read more of their work here.
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