John Kerry Denounces Robust Economy As Republican Dirty Trick By William Grim

01 Dec, 2003 by John Hawkins

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At a Beacon Hill press conference this morning, Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry denounced the robust American economy as a Republican dirty trick.

“Don’t Americans realize that economic growth and job creation come with enormous costs—like a loss of all that free time that comes from good old-fashioned unemployment?” asked Kerry from the sitting room of his $12 million townhouse that he shares with his latest wife, the heiress of the Heinz food fortune. “I speak for the little man when I say that full employment at good paying jobs with low taxes is a dirty trick being perpetrated by the Republicans to make Americans forget about the degradation of their lifestyles.”

Kerry then announced that he is going on a hunger strike until the unemployment rate goes up to the “socially just” level of 18% and taxes for rich people—which he defines as those earning more than $6,000 a year—are raised to the “economically just” level of 93%. “I only want what is just for the American people,” said Kerry as he sipped Perrier water and nibbled on petit fours before handcuffing himself to a Louis Quatorze settee at the beginning of his hunger strike. “Of course, my proposal does include a 100% tax abatement for progressive politicians and gigolos, so I figure I’m covered both ways.”

If you enjoyed this satire by William Grim, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.