Judge Roberts’ Gay Children Outed Valerie Plame — Satire By Liberal Larry

by John Hawkins | August 10, 2005 4:04 am

While questions continue to be raised as to whether Judge John Roberts used his influence to fiendishly give two orphans a loving home, damning new evidence has come to light concerning his children – evidence that may put the kibosh on his Supreme Court nomination once and for all.

The Roberts kids are no strangers to controversy. Jack Roberts, a confirmed bachelor who enjoys dancing and thinks girls are “yucky”, has the I.Q. of a four year-old boy and a rap sheet a mile long. In 2003, Jack was reprimanded by a superior court judge for vandalizing the walls of a private residence with Crayola crayons. Last summer, he stole several indigenous amphibians from a natural wetland, a crime against nature for which he has yet to be held accountable. His childlike demeanor and bizarre behavior have frustrated reporters for weeks. When pressed for details on his father’s opinions concerning Roe V. Wade, it’s not unusual for Jack to burst into giggles and spin around in circles until he falls down.

If Jack Roberts seems to revel in media attention, then his sister, Jane, shuns it. Living a life shrouded in mystery, Jane was rumored to be dating Tom Cruise – but it’s widely suspected that the girl with the pageboy haircut “plays for the other team”, if you know what I mean. While John Edwards has yet to officially acknowledge her as a lesbian, Jane is rarely seen without another woman at her side. Her dowdy style of dress[1] and lack of frequent abortions have raised more than a few eyebrows. And like brother Jack, her mental instability is a thing of record. Prone to sudden emotional outburts and crying fits over trivialities, Jane is often seen talking to small plastic replicas of human babies, and her addiction to paste has been the talk of the tabloids for years.

If the behavior of one’s children is any indication of how a man writes new laws, then I fear for an America with John Roberts on the bench. Sadly, it now it seems that Roberts’ children can add treason to their long list of scandals. According to eyewitness accounts from MoveOn.org and NARAL spokespersons, the Roberts children leaked the identity of super-duper top secret agent Valerie Plame to Robert Novak, a Republican operative and closet homosexual. Plied with ice cream and a trip to Disneyworld by the diabolical and queer-as-a-three-dollar-bill Karl Rove, Jack and Jane Roberts had no qualms about destroying the life of an American hero and condemning her husband to an endless succession of lucrative book deals.

As new, more disturbing allegations spring forth from the *sses of New York Times editors every day, one must wonder if the flamboyantly gay[2] John Roberts is fit to sit on the Supreme Court.

His children certainly aren’t.

This content was used with the permission of BlameBush![3].

  1. style of dress: http://darleen.redstate.org/story/2005/7/23/165914/244
  2. flamboyantly gay: http://supportgayjudgeroberts.blogspot.com/2005/08/new-group-for-conservatives-who.html
  3. BlameBush!: http://blamebush.typepad.com/

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