Kerry Pushes Plan to Re-Import Canadian Bacon By Scott Ott

by John Hawkins | October 18, 2004 12:02 am

Under a plan proposed by Democrat presidential contender John Forbes Kerry, Americans could save billions of dollars each year on the purchase of over-the-counter bacon.

“I have a plan to get every American hooked on Canadian bacon,” said Mr. Kerry during a campaign stop in Jacksonville, Oregon. “All we need to do is get American farmers to export their hogs to Canada, where the government could impose price controls, then we re-import the processed Canadian bacon to the United States at prices lower than those available here on ordinary bacon.”

Mr. Kerry’s Bring Home the Canadian Bacon plan has ignited almost as much enthusiasm across the United States as his plan to re-import American prescription drugs[1] from Canada.

“The reason these plans work,” said Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator, “is because they give us the best of both systems–capitalism and socialism. American companies do the risky work of developing these products, and then we allow Canada’s government to control how much profit they make. The bottom line: when American companies make smaller profits, their workers will have less money. And that’s why they’ll need cheaper drugs and bacon.”

President George Bush, asked to respond to the Kerry plan, said, “Canadian bacon–what’s that? Do the pigs speak French? Next question.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface[2].

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