by John Hawkins | August 2, 2004 8:44 pm
Who gave the Democrats a national convention? Well, before their crazy ideas can spread too far, I sent my crack research team to find all they can about the dreaded Crat’s of Dem.
FUN FACTS ABOUT DEMOCRATS
* Democrats chose the donkey as their symbol because the Democrat base smells as bad as one and has the same verbal skills. In the donkey’s defense, it’s smart enough to understand a butterfly ballot.
* Democrats are big into class warfare. They also are for gun control which has caused the deadliest firearms to be too expensive except for the rich to buy. So, if class warfare ever goes to blows, it won’t last long.
* Though there are more registered Democrats, they don’t vote as much as Republicans percentage-wise because of their tendency to be distracted by shiny things.
* Democrats have lost most of the men’s vote because they’re a bunch of girlie men. Don’t tell them that, though, because they’ll cry.
* Democrats are always trying to get into your wallet to spend money on their wacky ideas. If you see a Democrat near your wallet, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. You have to catch him in the act or he’ll never learn.
* While the Democratic leadership is currently devoid of any real leadership or substance, they may try and make up for that with important-looking hair.
* Some Democrats may have served in Vietnam. You can find out which ones by seeing who tells you that fact over and over and over.
* And over and over and over.
* Many Democrats intensely hate Bush because it’s easier than confronting the irrelevancy of their ideas. It’s funny to dump a bucket of cold water on them and hear them blame Haliburton.
* If your plagued by Democrats, they can be scared away with snakes, guns, or concepts of individual responsibility.
* Bill Clinton, who cost the Democrats their majorities in the House, Senate, and Governorships while he was president, is still venerated by Democrats because… uh… I guess they’re just frick’n retards.
* Democrats will often visit maternity wards and shake their fists angrily at all those who escaped the wrath of choice.
* Democrats are secretly trying to destroy capitalism. If you see a Democrat near capitalism and looking suspicious, immediately report him to the police.
* In a fight between Democrats and Aquaman, Aquaman would be slurred by an NAACP ad that links him to lynching.
* The Democrats have built a giant statue in tribute to Michael Moore which eyes glow red, shoots fire out of its ass, and constantly demands tributes of ham.
* Or maybe that is just Michael Moore wearing a gray sweat suit. Whatever it is, don’t let it fall on you because it’s heavy.
* The foreign policy ideals of the Democrats involved waiting for the might France to approve anything they plan on doing. This should allow them to snap into action about the time half the earth is destroyed by radical Islamists.
* Every time someone votes for a Democrat, baby Jesus cries.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J, you can see more of his work at IMAO.
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