by John Hawkins | July 21, 2003 2:24 am
Know Thy Enemy — North Koreans By Frank J: I just realized I’ve never done a Know Thy Enemy(tm) segment on the North Koreans. If we ever have to fight them, it’s likely my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, will have to go out there. I don’t want him to get killed, because, if he does, it will be on my honor to avenge his death, and my schedule is just too busy for vengeance. So, I got my crack research staff to find all the important information one needs to know to fight the North Koreans.
FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS
* Remember, it’s the North Koreans who are the evil Commies while the South Koreans are the ones who give us cars with really good warranties and animate The Simpsons. The West Koreans are mysterious loners who will work for the highest bidder.
* North Korea got its name from being North of South Korea. I don’t know how South Korea got its name.
* North Korea is said to be the last Stalinist state, which means it’s like an extra evil Commie country. I mean, people are escaping to China for a better life; that’s pretty damn Commie!
* I believe we once fought a war with North Korea, and I think we won, too. There’s precedent for you!
* They call the area between North and South Korean the Demilitarized Zone, even though it’s filled with mines. With that much armaments, you’d think they’d call it the “Really-Millitarized Zone.” Anyway, if you’re walking through the RMZ, make sure someone is walking ahead of you.
* I’ve heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That’s just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they’re eating dogs.
* North Koreans are probably armed with Russian hardware like most evil people, because who would have sold weapons to evil people other than the Russians? Oh, they might also have French and German weaponry.
* Tae Kwan Do is a martial art that comes from Korea, so I would assume that every North Korean knows it. The martial art is characterized by its high kicks meant to knock riders from horses. So, when fighting a North Korean, duck low so his kick goes over your head, then counter with an uppercut.
* North Koreans are vulnerable to silver bullets… and any other bullets.
* Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let’s find out which part of California before we get too panicked.
* I’m pretty sure ninjas are either Chinese or Japanese, but I can’t guarantee that the Koreans don’t have any. So, when fighting them, bring a samurai sword just in case since ninjas dodge bullets.
* If you find yourself attacked by a North Korean, stop, drop, and roll.
* The North Korean government keeps their people starving, oppressed, isolated, and ignorant, and they are all taught that Americans are evil. Still, if having to invade their country, just toss the people some Fun Size bag of Fritos and I bet they’ll think you’re the second coming of Christ.
* Just like the llama, the North Koreans need a constant intake of oxygen to survive; thus, they are susceptible to strangling.
* If a North Korean bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between the North Korean military and the Flash, the Flash would run away really quickly to a tropical resort in Thailand and drink a Mai Tai.
* I’m sorry, but I’m running out of jokes about Aquaman.
* Okay, one more: In a fight between Aquaman and the North Koreans, Aquaman could splash Kim Jong Il messing up his poofy hair and humiliating him. The North Koreans would then hit Aquaman with so much artillery that the Justice League wouldn’t even be able to identify him by his dental records.
* If you kill a North Korean, be careful! His body will explode into deadly poisonous gas… or maybe I’m getting them confused with the enemies from some videogame.
* Their leader, Kim Jong Il, has extremely poofy hair, and our inaction will not make it any less poofy.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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