Next Update Around 5 PM EST Today!

11 Aug, 2004 by John Hawkins

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I’ve got a huge surprise for you later today that will absolutely blow you away or I got really behind and won’t be able to update until oh…say 5 PM EST…I forget which.

I’m not sure what happened exactly…I mean I was watching “Kill Bill 2”, checking through some old WW2 propaganda posters, updating ads, taking a little nap and wham-o, next thing you know I’m scratching my head and wondering where all the time went like the guy in that horrible movie “Memento”.

Speaking of “Memento”, I want to try to give you something to do while I’m AWOL all day. So, how about suggesting your least favorite movies of all time? The dullest, worst, most painful movies you’ve ever sat through…

My Choices
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1) The Abyss: This had the most ridiculous ending of any movie I’ve ever seen. I plan to write a post about this movie one day, simply because my disgust and loathing for this movie is uncontainable and will eventually burst out my chest like that creature in “Alien” unless I eventually write about it…

2) Starship Troopers 2: Only in movie run by liberal nancyboys can the military be portrayed as the bad guys in a movie where they’re fighting against merciless, giant insects who want to wipe out the entire human race for no particularly good reason.

3) Steel Magnolias: This movie was so bad that I indirectly ended up breaking up with a girl I was dating over it.

4) The Beach: The totally incoherent movie about a bunch of hippies living on an out of the way beach that featured Leonardo Dicaprio who went crazy in a totally unconvincing fashion.

I would give you some more movies to work with but geeze, it’s 12:19 and I have to be up at 6:05. Like Ah-nold, “I’ll be back” later tonight…….

*** Update #1***: Let me add to my list…

5) Wag The dog: This movie is like “Canadian Bacon” except that it’s not very funny and takes itself way too seriously. Moreover, the fact that so many people treat this movie like it’s some sort of inciteful political commentary when it had a believability factor of 0 has always annoyed me.

6 & 7) House of the Dead & Street Fighter: I list both of these movies because each of them is just as unbelievably bad as you’d expect poorly made movies based on video games to be. However, I have to give Street Fighter the edge for “worst movie ever made that was based on a video game”.

8) Matrix Revolutions: There are so many things to loathe about this movie. The terrible “philosobabble” dialogue, the way they blew off important characters like Morpheus, and most importantly, the fact that almost the entire movie takes place in the “real world” where mech warriors and robo-squids duked it out, instead of in the Matrix which was where all the worthwhile action took place in the first two movies of the series.