by John Hawkins | June 4, 2003 11:07 am
Paranoid Man Actually Being Watched By Government By Shawn M. Thorgersen : NEW YORK-Agents from a top secret government agency admitted yesterday, on condition of anonymity, to spying on Jack Holderstadt, a Burger King Assistant Manager in Ronkonkoma, Long Island.
“I knew they were out to get me!” exclaimed Holderstadt at a press meeting. “My girlfriend, my family-they didn’t believe. But now I’m the one who’s laughing last, even though I’m not actually laughing.”
“We’re not out to get him,” explained Agent X. “We just thought it would be kind of ironic if he was right, you know? No one expects that sort of thing. Then we just wanted to keep tuning in.”
Another agent explained, “He’s our very own Reality T.V. show. You think, ‘Who cares?’ at first, but then you slowly find yourself waiting to see what he’ll do next. Will he have peanut butter and jelly, or go for a ham sandwich instead? I don’t know, but I want to find out.”
“And we’ve made a lot of discoveries, too,” added the agent. Check this out-statistically speaking; Jack is 75% likely to sit down to urinate in the morning. Our research analysts theorize that this trend is related to a high level of drowsiness, and a tendency to ‘sprinkle’ in the early a.m. hours.”
The first piece of evidence came to Holderstadt when he noticed that the mailman, the ice cream truck guy, the landscaper, the garbage man, and the Jehovah’s Witness that frequented his apartment complex were all the same man. “At first, I just sort of felt sorry for the guy-except when he was a Jehovah’s Witness-having to do all those jobs just to make it in Corporate America. But then I thought this guy looks a hell of a lot like Groucho Marx, and that’s when it hit me: fake glasses, fake nose, and fake moustache.”
“Yeah, that was me,” admitted Agent W. “I dropped the ball.”
When asked whether there were more pressing issues in need of the government’s attention, Agent X explained, “You can only look for things like terrorism and illegal drug trafficking for so long. Eventually, you sort of want to change the channel, you know?”
“Besides,” added Agent W, “Who wants to dwell on that kind of stuff all day? Talk about depressing.”
When asked if the agents would continue observing Mr. Holderstadt, they indicated no, mentioning only that it would be less fun now that Holderstadt knows.
Holderstadt does not have plans to investigate the spy network any further, stating that he had more important goals. He concluded the conference by saying, “Now maybe the people of Long Island will believe me about the U.F.O. crash site behind the truck stop and all the probing that goes down over there.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Shawn Thorgersen, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.
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