by John Hawkins | July 10, 2003 9:40 am
Posse Power By Frank J.: Whatever happened to the posse? Used to be whenever something went wrong, a group of angry people with guns would get together and take care of it. Nowadays, it always seems the answer is to sit on one’s lazy ass and either ignore it or call the police. Well, I’m tired of that; I think it’s time to bring back the posse.
Think of all the advantages to the posse:
* It’s an outdoor activity: Nothing like getting fresh air when walking around angry with guns.
* It involves exercise: Exercise comes in the form of walking… and sometimes punching and kicking.
*It involves brainwork: You have to figure out who the perpetrator is to a 55% degree of certainty before you rough him up, and that takes detective work.
* It helps you meet people in your community: Either from them joining the posse or you roughing them up.
* It’s an excuse to openly carry guns: Guns are cool.
A posse to me sounds like the American way: people taking things into their own hands. Well, next homeowner’s association meeting, I’m going to bring up the idea of the posse committee, which I will head. Something goes wrong in our neighborhood, people come talk to me and I’ll get together a group of considered citizens to handle it. Chair missing from the cabana? When we find out who took it, he’ll wish he had never been born. Someone trample through my neighbors prized begonias? One we take out his kneecaps, he won’t be trampling through anything no more. Something knock over a trashcan at night. Probably raccoons, but it could be ninjas. Better get the posse together.
I think I’ll take my shotgun, my .45, and my samurai sword (in case it is ninjas), and then I get a big group armed to the teeth and start questioning people.
“What do you know, kid?”
“I just learned my ABC’s today, mister.”
I pick the kid up by his collar. “Don’t get wise with me! What do you know about that trashcan getting knocked over last night?”
“You’re a mean and scary man!”
I squint my eyes. “You just think I’m mean and scary now.”
Man, that sounds so cool. And think of how great a posse will be in places where there is actual crime. Maybe I could write a book on posse etiquette to help other people start their own posse, putting forth rules on how to alternate who gets to do the roughing up so that no one feels left out (the main part of a posse is making friends). Why hasn’t anyone brought up this idea before? Oh yeah, because only I am super-smart enough to have thought of it.
Hey, I hear Saddam is still on the loose and worth 25 million dollars. Anyone interested in getting a posse together and go finding him?
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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