Ranking The Last 10 Videos I’ve Rented

From last to first…

10) Unleashed: You know how everyone always mocks chop socky movies for not having a plot beyond, “You killed my master and now you have to die?” Well, Unleashed has a nice, long, involved plot featuring Morgan Freeman (How did they con him into doing this?) and it actually detracted from the movie a little bit. In fact, a little less plot and a little more of Jet Li opening cans of whoop *ss on everything walking would have made this a little better. Ranking: B-

9) The Dukes Of Hazzard: Despite the fact that Willie Nelson and Burt Reynolds were both just C-Grade awful in this film, if you love lots of car chases and crashes, violence, explosions, and Jessica Simpson as Daisy, then this is the movie for you! Ranking: B

8) MST3K: Manos: Hands of Fate: The fact that Manos: Hands of Fate may have been the most horrible movie of all-time may have helped make this the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 ever! Hilariously funny — well, unless you don’t like watching an entire movie that features a man and two robots mocking everything that comes across the screen. Of course, the fact that’s probably an acquired taste probably explains why MST3K isn’t even shown in reruns anymore. Yet and still…Ranking: A

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7) The Fantastic Four: After the horrible reviews the movie got, I was expecting another, “This is so horrible, it will take super powers to make it all the way to the end,” movie — like Elektra. But actually, it was a couple notches below the X-Men and a little bit better than Daredevil. Of course, one of the villains in Daredevil had a guy named Bullseye who actually had a Bullseye on his forehead, so maybe being better than Daredevil isn’t saying much. Ranking: B-

6) Frankenstein: I wanted to watch this movie because I read the book and couldn’t imagine how they could make it into a decent movie. Of course, Dean Koontz held the book together because he’s a master storyteller. On the other hand, the director of Frankenstein, Marcus Nispel, who has previously directed such “classics” as The Very Best of Cher: The Video Hits Collection & Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael wasn’t up to the job. Ranking: F

5) Mr. And Mrs Smith: Imagine True Lies if both spouses were secret agents and all the funny and interesting parts were taken out and replaced with crap. That’s Mr. and Mrs Smith. Ranking: F

4) War of The Worlds: The special effects were absolutely amazing and the plot was pretty good, but the movie was almost as gloomy as Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and the ending was anti-climactic. Plus, Tom Cruise was the protagonist and made it out alive. Ranking: B

3) High Tension: Despite a few flaws and the fact that most of the cast was French, this was a pretty good horror movie until the end. Unfortunately, the ending was so cataclysmically stupid, even worse than The Village, that it dropped the ranking of the movie from a B- to a D.

2) Undead: This movie had a good concept, a nice plot twist, and a few excellent action scenes featuring a hillbilly who thought he was Chow Yun Fat, but they never put it all together and the ending was unsatisfying. Ranking: C-

1) Batman Begins: They could have actually called this, “The only Batman movie that isn’t cheesy and doesn’t suck,” but maybe that title is too long. Ranking: B

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