by John Hawkins | July 31, 2003 3:04 pm
TIKRIT, Iraq – With his sons dead and his bodyguard captured, former Iraqi President at large Saddam Hussein is showing less of a brave face about the Iraqi resistance, sources close to him say. Sources close to Saddam also wonder how many Dinars 25 million dollars go into, if it’s really as much as they think it is. Sources close to Saddam are licking their lips and looking over weirdly at Saddam, hallucinating that he is a giant bag of money.
“When his sons got blown up and their mangled corpses were shown on TV throughout the Middle East, and people cheered, that was a less than stellar day for our organization,” said one source, typing numbers rapidly into a calculator, “Saddam was all like ‘They were lousy kids anyway, plenty more where that came from ha ha ha.’ But we could tell he was bumming.”
Said one loyal supporter “As we were crouching in a pig stall the other day, I told him, ‘Don’t worry Great Leader, the revolution will outlive us!’ and he said ‘@#%* THAT! I’m going to #@%*-ing DIE!’ I guess I could see his point.”
With his primary bodyguard captured, Saddam is reportedly scrambling to find a whole new system of sewers and outhouses to use as presidential palaces. “It’s really embarrassing to go from tyrannically ruling a country to crapping your pants while you’re living in an outhouse,” admitted one Saddam aid, “I guess that’s what you get for being such an evil, vicious, 25 million dollar b*stard.”
If you liked this satire by Dan Killian, you can see more of his work at Broken Newz.
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