Strange Green Object Found in Capitol Sparks Debate

by John Hawkins | April 29, 2003 11:59 pm

Strange Green Object Found in Capitol Sparks Debate By Scott Ott: Homeland Security Agents and Washington D.C. hazardous-materials crews were dispatched to the Capitol late today when a small piece of paper stained with a mysterious green fluid was discovered on the floor.

In wasn’t until after the Capitol building was evacuated that haz-mat specialists determined the object was a one dollar bill, which had apparently fallen from the pocket of a tourist.

Senate Majority leader Bill Frist insisted that the dollar be returned to the tourist. However, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said the dollar should be given to a homeless man who sleeps on a steam grate outside the Senate Office Building.

Rep. Dick Gephardt, D-MO, offered to give the vagrant 50 cents, while placing the other 50 cents in a savings account which the man could use if he ever needed to buy an aspirin or some Alka-Seltzer.

The Congressional Democrat caucus then met in emergency session to decide what to do with their new dollar. One proposal called for Congress to give the homeless man 25 cents and reserve 75 cents for future medicine purchases and things that might be needed by other disadvantaged people in the neighborhood.

Sen. Frist, frustrated with the Democrat plan, proposed a compromise that would have returned at least 35 cents to the tourist who dropped the dollar. However, debate continued late into the night with no resolution in sight.

In the meantime, the tourist earned an additional 10 dollars by washing windshields, and spent some of that to catch a bus out of town.

If you liked this satire by Scott Ott, you can see more of his work at Scrappleface[1].

  1. Scrappleface:

Source URL: