by John Hawkins | July 21, 2002 9:05 pm
Superman: The Ultimate Conservative Superhero: I always thought of Superman as the perfect example of a Conservative superhero. He’s for truth, justice, and the American way and he gets things done. He doesn’t ask for a government grant make things happen, he’s doesn’t say that you should sit around and wait for the government to take care of your problems, he just makes it happen. An example of a liberal superhero would be someone like Aquaman who’s semi-useless 90% of the time and who wouldn’t last ten minutes without Superman saving his worthless behind. I could go on but this whole little spiel is mainly just an excuse to quote from
Seanbaby’s Super Friends page about a unique dilemma that Superman must face on a regular basis…
“Superman has got to be jaded as hell. Besides the crap he has to put up with from Aquaman every day, he can hear the death screams of orphans for thousands of miles in every direction. That kind of thing would get to get to you. When I hear about dynamite ninjas blowing up the president, I don’t feel guilty. There’s nothing I could have done; I don’t know how to defuse a ninja or even where the president lives. Not Superman. He can take every single obituary personally. He can go through the paper and say, “Let’s see, this was the bus that fell off the bridge when I was in the bathroom… and here, I was playing ping pong when this family suffocated under tons of rubble… Oh! And I could barely get to sleep while this former skydiver was screaming for help! Ha ha ha!”
I’m surprised he even cares when the Trouble Alert goes off. I’d expect him to say, “Sorry your government building got shrink-rayed, Congressman, but I can hear a baby being circled by vampire hippos right now. Do you want me to let it get torn apart becau– oh, there. It’s dead. Good job, Congressman Selfish @sshole. How about you don’t call again until there’s a real emergency like poison ivy or a leg cramp?”
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