by John Hawkins | October 30, 2003 6:25 pm
I heard about how a bunch of liberals have this movie about Reagan’s presidency coming out where they make stuff up, so, I was thinking, why don’t I write the script for a fair and balanced movie about Bill Clinton’s presidency where I just do a little extrapolation about things I don’t know about for sure. Here are some excerpts of what I have so far:
BILL CLINTON: Master Satan! I need your help to become president and thus allow Hillary and I to fulfill our naked ambition for power.
SATAN: Yes, your presidency could spread great evil. Maybe I can convince an insane billionaire to enter the race and ensure your victory. I will just take your soul in exchange.
BILL (v.o.): I hope he doesn’t remember I already sold my soul to him two years ago for a Big Mac and fries.
. . .
HILLARY CLINTON: Now that the presidency is mine, we must begin our spread of evil!
AL GORE: I am Al Gore.
BILL: I just can’t find an Attorney General. The first two have dropped out and I’m out of any good women to fill that position with. Hmm. Hey, Earl Reno, do you want to be Attorney General?
BILL: Then put on this blue dress and change your first name to Janet.
. . .
VINCE FOSTER: Why don’t you go f**k yourself, Hillary.
BILL: Hillary, you really gonna let him get away with that? You gonna let this f**kin’ punk get away with that? What’s the matter with you? What’s the world coming to?
Hillary proceeds to pull out a gun and shoot Vince.
Hillary: That’s what the f**k the world’s coming to. How you like that?
BILL: What is the matter with you, huh? What is the f**king matter with you? What are you, a f**king sick maniac or something? Hillary, I’m kidding with you.
HILLARY: Kidding? How am I meant to know you’re kidding? You’re breaking my f**king balls.
BILL: I’m f**king kidding with you, you f**king shoot the guy?
AL GORE: He’s dead.
BILL: You dumb [email protected], I can’t f**king believe you. You’re gonna dig the hole.
HILLARY: Fine, I’ll dig the f**king hole. I don’t give a f**k. What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I’ll dig a f**kin’ hole. Now, where are the shovels?
. . .
HILLARY: If I can get my health care plan passed, it will destroy our hospitals and millions will die. Muh ha ha ha!
BILL: It’s too bad those do-gooder Republicans are trying to stop us and protect the interests of America.
HILLARY: No one can stop us! Now go have fun with your interns while I work on my lesbian conspiracies.
. . .
BILL: I can’t believe the Republicans have taken control of the Congress and Senate! Now we’ll never be able to destroy the economy now that those do-gooders have power.
HILLARY: If we work at it, we can eventually cause an economic downturn… just in time for a Republican to be president. Muh ha ha ha!
. . .
BILL: How long do you think this middle east peace will last?
JAMES CARVILLE: Just long enough for you to get a photo-op of Arafat and Rabin shaking hands before you run the hell out of there.
BILL: Good enough.
. . .
OSAMA BIN LADEN: I will kill all you imperialist Americans!
BILL: How about you hold off on any major attacks until after my presidency and I give you this big box of porn.
Osama thinks it over.
BILL CLINTON (v.o.): Will the American people realize what a sacrifice that was for me? Maybe it wasn’t my biggest box of porn, but it was one of my favorites.
I only have gotten his first four years done so far. I just hope I’ve accurately portrayed the subtle nuances of Bill and Hillary Clinton.
If you liked this satire by Frank J, you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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