The Top 10 Reasons To Vote For John Kerry By John Hawkins & Laurence Simon

by John Hawkins | August 17, 2004 12:00 am

10) Maintaining John Kerry’s hair will create jobs, jobs that cannot be outsourced to India.

9) Under Kerry, kids might not know all 50 states, but they will sure as hell know all 57 varieties of Heinz products.

8) Our enemies will respect his strong, determined, vague inconsistency and learn to fear us.

7) Because John Kerry believes in treating all of America’s soldiers with the respect, dignity, and honor they deserve…except those *$%*$#*%#$ Swift Boat Veterans for Truth guys who aren’t voting for him!

6) John Kerry will lead America to success in the war on terrorism just like he led America to victory in Vietnam!

5) Because unlike Bill Clinton, John Kerry wouldn’t lay a finger on an intern who didn’t have more money than his wife.

4) Because Bill O’Reilly would get so angry that he’d gnaw off his own hand if John Kerry made Ted Kennedy the Secretary of Defense!

3) Who better to stick up for the “little people” and “working folks” against the powerful than a Yale educated billionaire who made his fortune by marrying a rich widow?

2) Because John Edwards will sue you for every dime you’re worth if you attempt to maliciously harm the Kerry campaign by voting for another candidate!

1) By sending a pro-abortion Catholic to the White House, we send a stern message to the Vatican: stop molesting small boys!

If you enjoyed this article, you can read more of Laurence Simon’s work at This Blog Is Full Of Crap[1].