Top 9 Statements That Would Make Ted Kennedy Cry — Satire By Buckley F. Williams

by John Hawkins | January 16, 2006 2:15 am

Ted Kennedy and some of his colleagues have come under fire for their behavior during the recent Senate Judiciary Committee hearings[1] on Judge Samuel Alito[2]. Insiders tell us that some of Senator Kennedy’s statements[3] were so over the top that at one point, Mrs. Alito burst into tears.

This caused us to wonder, what manner of comment is so strong, so offensive that it would drive someone to tears?

In Senator Kennedy’s case we believe the following statements could do just that:

9. “NBC news is reporting tonight that there has been a major spill at the Dewar’s bottling plant.”

8. “I have some unbelievable news dear! Splash has developed the ability to speak! Now he can talk to us about all of those adventures you two have gone on. Isn’t this wonderful?”

7. “Senator, I know that you don’t normally take visitors this late in the evening, but there are several associates of Judge Alito here and they are quite enthusiastic about speaking with you.”

6. “A four-way? Yeah, keep dreaming ‘little’ brother. Bobby, Jack[4] you fellas ready to go?”- Marilyn Monroe

5. “And in other news, Massachusetts has passed a law making it a dry state.”

4. “Honey, remember how concerned you were about the horrendous treatment minorities were receivng after Katrina? Well, I’ve invited a few hundred real live negro families to stay with us for awhile. You know, just til they get on their feet.”

3. “I’m sorry Mr. Kennedy, but this particular strain is resistant to pennicillin.”

2. “Last call!”

1. “Senator, there’s a woman claiming to be the ghost of a Mary Jo[5] something or other here to see you.”

This satire was used with the permission of The Nose On Your Face[6].

  1. hearings:
  2. Alito:
  3. statements:
  4. Bobby, Jack:
  5. Mary Jo:
  6. The Nose On Your Face:

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