by John Hawkins | October 22, 2004 12:23 am
With less than two weeks to the Presidential election, undecided voters, which may constitute as much as 10% of the electorate, have been hounded by candidates, celebrities and even frustrated friends and family members pleading with them to finally make up their minds.
“I’m trying really hard but it’s not easy,” explained undecided voter Debra Meyers.”I watched all three of the debates because my teacher made us, and was about to make a decision but then I saw this really pretty fork sitting on the table. I thought, well that’s a really pretty fork and I never noticed it before. It’s shiny and silvery and has a nice pattern. I thought to myself, I could just stare at this fork forever. It really screwed up my decision on who to vote for. Then I sort of forgot about it afterwards.”
Traditionally, voters who remain uncommitted in the late stages of national elections tend to get distracted easily and have difficulty making other important decisions, like which shoes they should wear or what they need to TiVo while they are in class.
Tim Norwood found himself in a similar dilemma. “I had decided that I was going to vote for Bush because I’m afraid of getting bombed by terrorists and he hates terrorists more than that other guy, but then I looked up to the sky and noticed the sun. It was so big and fiery and orange. I never really looked at it before. Anyway, a few hours later when I was being treated in the hospital for a burn on my cornea, I totally forgot about which candidate I was leaning towards. Now everyone is yelling at me. I’m so confused.”
Other undecided voters say that they are purposely waiting to make their final decision until the last minute, and meanwhile, they will enjoy all the attention and gifts they are getting from both candidates.
“I got candy,” 70-year-old retiree Jake Ringley said. “I’m leaning towards Kerry because it’s… really good candy, like the kind you get at the movie theater. Bush’s campaigners just gave me a pamphlet and a pack of smokes.”
“Just make up your mind already!” screamed Republican Ben Samuelson. “It’s not that difficult. If you want a strong stance against terrorism , vote for Bush, if you want someone to focus on the economy and important social issues here at home, vote for Kerry. Or wait, maybe I have it backwards. Nevermind.”
Julie Berman, a volunteer registering voters at a nearby community center said she doesn’t want to influence anyone’s decision with her own opinion and would be satisfied if people exercised their right to vote — for either candidate.
“I would never pressure anyone to vote for one candidate over another,” Berman said. “As long as they vote I will be happy. If they aren’t familiar with the issues or have questions, all they have to do is watch the totally excellent and informative documentary produced by genius filmmaker Michael Moore.”
Despite the immense pressure, some voters have managed to ignore the campaign rhetoric and come to a decision based on their own opinions.
“It’s been difficult decision but I would like to say that I have finally made up my mind,” said one undecided voter. “After a lot of consideration about the issues most important to me, I will vote for— ooh, look a kitty cat. Hi kitty cat. Look at the pretty kitty cat. Come here pretty witty kitty cat. That’s right, you are a pretty, witty kitty cat, Aren’t you? Aren’t you? Yes you are!
If you enjoyed this satire by Bob From Accounting, you can read more of their work here.
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