by John Hawkins | March 11, 2008 12:00 am
Waterboarding – it’s hip, it’s trendy, it’s the iPhone of protest performance art. Unemployed trust-fund hippies all across the nation are indulging in this season’s hottest new hobby.
However, unlike the waterboarding done by the trained professionals of the US Government, amateur waterboarding is rife with peril for the uninitiated. For your benefit, we’ve staged this photo which conveniently shows all the major waterboarding “don’ts” in one image:
* DON’T pour water from a plastic gallon jug. Plastic bottles kill hundreds of thousands of sea mammals every year. Or is that fishing nets? Whatever. Plastic is still the devil’s cuticle.
* DON’T use unfiltered DC Metro water. As you can see from the white spots on the ground, it’s full of crack rocks.
* DON’T use a bleached white cotton towel over the “victim’s” face. Not using a towel made of sustainable brown organic cotton is a slap in the face to third-world indigenous peoples trying to support their families, you racist.
* DON’T invite over-rated hack prop comics like Carrot Top [left]. The waterboardee may choke on his own vomit, as may innocent bystanders.
* DON’T invite Bumblebee Man [rear, center]. Protests are serious business, and are not the place for obscure Simpsons references.
* DON’T wear leather shoes. It’s like the guy pouring the water WANTED to offend people! My apologies to all the vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians, and PeTArds who may have accidentally viewed this image and pulled a muscle while recoiling in horror.
* DON’T allow your green-shirted Ecstasy dealer to spoil your waterboarding money-shot. Nothing undermines your political point faster than having Dr. Feelgood counting his take in the background.
* DON’T forget your safety helmet. While a wet towel will prevent SOME cranial trauma, it’s better to wear more durable protective gear – such as a bicycle helmet – in case your jittery, spaghetti-armed prop-comic friend accidentally bounces your noggin off the concrete.
Remember folks, while fake waterboarding is a great way to abet terrorists while telling yourself you occupy the moral high ground, you have to do it right if you want to ensure that no one but the Warmongering Sheeple of Bushitler and other Tools of Halliburton are offended in the process.
This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.
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