by John Hawkins | August 10, 2004 5:32 pm
In the olden days, the ruler of a nation was decided by who was strongest and could best kill his enemies. Political discourse consisted merely of battle cries. An October surprise consisted of ninjas jumping down from rafters.
And everyone was happy.
Now, eventually this became more civilized, leading to the contest for American President being decided by a no holds barred cage match. Campaigning usually consisted of wrestling a bear. This was the better idea because the opponent wasn’t killed, and he might have better ideas the next time around (and a craftier headlock). Somehow – and I’m not sure of the semantics – this devolved into the Electoral College we now use today. And thus the pendulum has swung too far, making politics almost completely devoid of violence. When was the last time you saw a congressional debate end with someone doing a flying kick across the room? Months, at least.
Now, it’s irrefutable that violence helps political discourse. Yes, someone could begin to voice an objection to my point, but I would quickly beat him before he could say anything. Thus, it is irrefutable. So why was violence taken out of politics? Well, it’s all a conspiracy by the wimpy leftists to try and get an upper hand. Everyone knows liberal ideals wouldn’t last in an out and out fight. Most of their wacky stances on issues would probably be given up after a simple bitch-slap. Most people in the military vote Republican, as do gun owners, so a real “debate” like in the olden days would be extremely one sided. Sure, murderers in prison mainly lean towards the Democrats, but that will in no way make up the gap. Let’s face it: in the area of violence, the liberals are politically bereft of ideas. Their only real response available is, “Ow! Stop hitting me!” And, no, we won’t.
So let’s forget our previous follies and get back to beating senseless our political opponents. You can’t reason with people who wave “No Blood for Oil” signs, but you can use their signs as cudgels against them. Foreign diplomat getting snooty? Not after he has a trip through a plate-glass window. And think of what it would be like if a politician drop-kicked a whiny liberal; there would be some real leadership.
That’s why for this coming presidential election, we should petition that the president not be decided by a bunch of goobers punching chads but instead by a kickboxing match. That will show our terrorist enemies that we are a serious people… and that we will seriously kick their @sses.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
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