by John Hawkins | March 11, 2004 1:24 am
Tempe, AZ – Julie Montgomery has heard it all before. She heard it after she got “Annabel,” then several more times when she acquired “Mr. Whiskers,” and even more frequently when she rescued “Boo-Boo” limping and shivering off the side of the road.
Julie Montgomery, 29, certainly loves cats but insists that despite outward appearances and hushed comments from family members and friends, she’s fully capable of extending human love to the right man and is ready to start a family of her own when the time is right.
“I just haven’t met that special guy yet,” Montgomery said as she read passages of “Winnie The Poo” to Nutmeg and Sleepy, the newest additions to her feline family.
“There’s absolutely nothing in the world wrong with having a few cats. I love my cats and any man worth his salt will accept them without question.”
Montgomery objects to accusations that her care for the half dozen cats borders on obsessive and she spends more money shopping for them than does for herself.
“Who doesn’t love little kitty knickknacks? Mr. Whiskers absolutely loves his matching bonnet and sweater set, don’t you Mr. Whiskers? That’s right, you’re so warm and snuggly aren’t you? Aren’t you? That’s right, of course you are!”
Julie’s mother Estelle isn’t so sure.
“She’s had some bad relationships and made some poor choices, but that’s no reason to just throw her life away and give up. I really would like some grandchildren someday — and not ones named Pumpkin or Pistachio. What the hell is wrong with her?”
Montgomery is well aware of the horror stories about elderly women living alone with hundreds of cats but insists that she’s nothing like those sick, lonely women.
“It’s totally different. Those women have deeply imbedded psychological problems. I have every intention of meeting the man of my dreams and having real kids someday. Right now, because of Boo Boo’s little rash, I don’t feel comfortable hiring a babysitter and going on dates. But as soon as she’s feeling better, I have every intention of going out for dinner and dancing with some attractive guy. “
“Or better yet, we can rent a movie and snuggle on the couch and he can look through my photo albums. You wanna see cute, you should see Mr. Whiskers as a kitty, when he got tangled up in my bra. Hang on, lemme find those photos!”
If you enjoyed this satire by Bob From Accounting, you can read more of their work here.
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