Barack Obama’s Senate Seat Falls To Zombie Lincoln!

02 Dec, 2008 by John Hawkins

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Courtesy of the nation’s top cutting edge, online paper, the Weekly World News, there is huge news out of Illinois! Apparently, in a surprise move, Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich is appointing a Republican to fill Barack Obama’s Senate Seat,

At a press conference this morning, Governor Rod Blagojevich unveiled a resurrected Abraham Lincoln as the much-anticipated Senate seat-filler.

Blagojevich, a Democrat who won reelection in 2006 despite low approval ratings and accusations of corruption throughout his administration, was expected to make an appointment that would be popular not only in his party, but with Republicans as well.

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President, former Illinois state representative and member of the Illinois delegation to the House of Representatives is widely revered as our nation’s greatest president, having ended slavery and restoring the Union.

…Speaking to a crowd of several hundred, Senator-Appoint Lincoln said, “It is with great humility and honor that I fill the enormous shoes of President-Elect Barack Obama. I can only hope to do him justice and serve the people of Illinois to the best of my ability as a United States Senator. I will spend the next six weeks freshening up on the political climate of the last 143 years and taking some time to get to know my constituents and their concerns. I have a feeling things have changed some since I last served the American people.”

First of all, Blagojevich made an enormous mistake by putting zombie-Lincoln in that seat because he will hold that seat until he…well, I guess he can’t die again, right? So, he’ll be holding that seat until he is out of it and lifeless as Robert Byrd!

There’s just no way the people of Illinois throw Abe Lincoln out of office. I mean, this guy doesn’t need campaign signs because his face is on the penny. He freed the slaves and won the Civil War. Plus, the guy has been called “Honest Abe” for over a hundred years. Not even the Chicago Tribune will be able to undercut that kind of reputation.

Additionally, as an extra added bonus, we can use Blagojevich’s reanimation of Lincoln’s corpse as a campaign issue against him when he runs again. Can’t you see the commercials now?