CNN to Package News by Topical Themes

17 Jul, 2003 by John Hawkins

Print this article Font size -16+

CNN to Package News by Topical Themes By Scott Ott: As the major news organizations go into their annual summer re-run cycle, CNN announced today it will package its programming in topical categories as “headline theme shows”.

Among the categories scheduled for rebroadcast:

— Arab TV airs more tapes from guys we thought we had killed.
— Democrats shocked and saddened at things George Bush does.
— If you lived here, this weather would probably kill you.
— Someone you never heard of is missing…possibly killed.
— The economy, while apparently rebounding, will likely get worse.
— Diseases with acronyms or animal names will probably kill you.
— Someone is killing people in a town you never heard of.
— Something you use everyday will probably kill you.
— Everybody in the world still hates America.
— Someone you never heard of just won the lottery.
— Someone famous said something outrageous.
— Stories we broke keep making news on our network.
— Disturbing video you need to see again and again.

If you liked this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at scrappleface.