Mind-sexing Obama???

File under Things I Could Happily Lived The Rest of My Life Without Thinking About:

One night, New York Times columnist Judith Warner had a dream about the president taking a shower in her house. Then a friend of hers confided that she’d had an Obama dream, too. So, Warner “launched an e-mail inquiry” to suss out whether the president was behind other women’s fluttering eyelids, and she found that he is — in a big way. Women across America are apparently dreaming about schtupping the president.

But wait! There’s more of this inane drivel:

“Barack and Michelle Obama look like they have sex. They look like they like having sex. Often. With each other

As opposed to having sex with… whom? Never ask a question unless you’re prepared to hear the answer:

She writes: “In these dreams, the women replaced Michelle with greater or lesser guilt or, in the case of a 62-year-old woman in North Florida, whose dream was reported to me by her daughter, found a fully above-board solution: ‘Michelle had divorced Barack because he had become ‘too much of a star.’ He then married my mother, who was oh so proud to be the first lady,’ the daughter wrote me.”

Not only are women mind-sexing Obama, reports Warner, they are also daydreaming about his actual sex life: “Barack and Michelle Obama look like they have sex. They look like they like having sex,” a woman from Los Angeles writes to Warner. “Often. With each other.” I get it. It’s in the way they look at, touch and talk about each other. His words about his wife on election night — “my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family, the love of my life” — made me, 22 years his junior, swoon. After watching them dance at the inaugural balls, my Mom, 15 years his senior, enthused that “they make marriage look hot” and made a prediction: “People are going to start realizing that marriage can be sexy.”

Who knew? I’ve heard rumors that married people have actual sex, but until The One ascended the Imperial Throne there was no actual evidence of this outlandish theory. Yet another thing for which we conservathugs can be profoundly thankful.

I need a drink.

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