President Woody Harrelson?

17 Oct, 2002 by John Hawkins

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President Woody Harrelson?: Woody Harrelson has been mouthing off in Britain again about United States. The whole article is full of the usual idiocy that seems to pass for political opinion among Hollywood Stars. Harrelson blames the US for the people starving in Iraq — despite the fact that Hussein has 50+ presidential palaces, is building an “Olympic” stadium, is giving money to the families of Palestinian terrorists, is upgrading his air defenses, etc, etc, etc, — everything but buying food. But the best part is what Harrelson would do if he were Emperor — ehr, President. His comments, followed by mine in parentheses…

“I give in to Woodman, and we stop for a few beers. He asks me what I’d do in Bush’s shoes. Easy: I’d honour Kyoto (And destroy our economy). Join the world court (So Americans can be imprisoned after sham trials in Europe). I’d stop subsidising earth rapers like Monsanto, Dupont and Exxon (Well since Kyoto already killed the economy, why do we need fuel to run it?). I’d shut down the nuclear power plants (So the rest of the country can experience California style black-outs) . So I already have $200bn saved from corporate welfare (and killed the economy in the process). I’d save another $100bn by stopping the war on non-corporate drugs (Now our population can be jobless and high). And I’d cut the defence budget in half so they’d have to get by on a measly $200bn a year (Sure — what do we need the military for anyway? It’s not like we’re in a war or anything). I’ve already saved half a trillion bucks by saying no to polluters and warmongers.

Then I’d give $300bn back to the taxpayers (They’ll need the money since so many of them will have lost their jobs). I’d take the rest and pay the people teaching our children what they deserve (Wait — since we already have some of the worst schools in the Western world — would giving them what they “deserve” mean their salary would go up or down?). I’d put $100bn into alternative fuels and renewable energy (I say we invest in solar and windmills so that the blackouts caused by shutting down the nuclear power plants won’t effect the hospitals if the wind is blowing really hard or if it’s sunny). I’d revive the Chemurgy movement, which made the farmer the root of the economy, and make paper and fuel from wheat straw, rice straw and hemp (Your next car will be made out of soybeans). Not only would I attend, I’d sponsor the next Earth Summit (That’s a great idea considering everything that was accomplished at the last one — on second thought, what was accomplished at the last one?) . And, of course, I’d give myself a fat raise. (I just destroyed America and now I’m going to Disneyland!)

Wait a second — destroying the US economy — energy shortages — crippling the military — could Woody Harrelson actually be the long lost son of Jimmy Carter?