Ridge Offers New ‘Pre-Emptive’ Steps to Combat Terrorism
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Ridge Offers New ‘Pre-Emptive’ Steps to Combat Terrorism by Scott Ott:(2003-02-20) — At his second news conference in as many days, Homeland Security Czar Tom Ridge today announced another three-step plan for defeating terrorism. The new guidelines follow yesterday’s clever slogan “Make a kit. Make a Plan. Be Informed.”
The department’s new website at Ready.gov will soon contain details on the new “pre-emptive” three-step program:
1) Buy a handgun.
2) Learn to use it.
3) Conceal and carry.
“Terrorism forces us to make a choice,” said Mr. Ridge. “Don’t be afraid. Be ready. And there’s nothing that makes you feel more ready than a flat-black Glock .45 caliber automatic strapped tight to your chest, and a weekly session on the target range.”
In contrast to the “make a kit” program which basically deals with the aftermath of an attack, Mr. Ridge said the new plan will stop terrorists cold at the first signs of an attack. He acknowledged that the new plan may hurt sales of duct tape, but it should boost sales of “hardware”.
If you liked this satire by Scott Ott, read more of his work at Scrappleface…
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