What Gave You Away?

How it is understood that your brain is a moped engine powering a Humvee — and so quickly, with such certainty, by so many. Where exactly is that “I’m a moron” sign located? You’ve checked and checked, it doesn’t seem to be written on your forehead, but people around you act as if it is. What’s clueing them in?

There are more folks wondering about this than we know. Gonna add to this list as I think of more…

…but at the moment, the only one truly worthy of comment is the one at the very bottom.

1. Walking around with your fly open.

2. Using “y’know,” “totally” or “basically” more than three times within five sentences.

3. Unplugging your cell phone and your coffee pot…to help SAVE the PLANET.

4. (Men) Wearing a football jersey three sizes too big for you.

5. Medicating your son for his “abnormal” behavior, that is, in fact, quite normal behavior for a boy.

6. Pursuing a conversation with someone fifty feet away across a parking lot for more than a minute.

7. Speaking of a tax cut as something that “costs” money.
8. Taking a picture with the lens cap on.

9. (Men) Wearing a baseball cap backwards.

10. Calling someone greedy for simply wanting to keep something that belongs to them.

11. (Women) Speaking of the demands you make on men, and your refusal to ever be satisfied with their attempts to meet them, as if that’s an endearing quality.

12. (Men) Marrying a woman who brings nothing to the table except her incessant demands.

13. Ordering a fancy coffee drink with whipped cream on top…taking special care that it is made with NON FAT MILK…

14. …and then bitching away about your household budget while you slurp a morning-beverage that costs four bucks.

15. Hitting Reply-All button, “I Agree!” and Send, when you get a message specifically requesting people not to use Reply-All all the time.

16. Wishing aloud that politicians “of both parties” would find a way to “work together” and “get more done” without exploring what exactly would get done.

17. Wishing aloud that our country would “sit down and talk with our enemies” and “stop offending our allies,” without elaboring on what agreements should & shouldn’t be made, which allies these are supposed to be, or how exactly they’ve been offended.

18. Using the words “strip bar” to describe the Hooters restaurant chain.

19. Chastising someone else for being stupid, for simply disagreeing with you, while making third-grade mistakes with homonyms like “your” and “you’re.”

20. Using the word “majority” to legitimize an opinion, as if you wouldn’t want to be doing that selectively.

21. Three thousand dollar rims on a one thousand dollar car.

22. Hearing of one man’s sad tale of the life he shared with an unscrupulous female, and the wreckage his life became afterward, responding with the timeless non-sequitur “Not all women are like that.”

23. Watching reality television.

24. Talking about what you saw on reality television.

25. Advertising your opinion that Sarah Palin is stupid when you’ve never actually met her.

26. Getting a tattoo on your face…

27. …consisting of images or words you wouldn’t want your grandmother (or your job-interview guy) to see.

28. Using the word “loving” as a euphemism for homosexual.

29. Climbing into the cage to make friends with the wild animal at the zoo.

30. “The rich get richer, the poor get poorer.”

31. Leaving the bathroom with a foot and a half of toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

32. Gun control. You know, to “get rid of all these guns lying around.”

33. Skateboarding in a parking lot.

34. Driving several miles with your turn signal indicator blinking.

35. Extolling the virtues of some country’s “free” education and/or “free” health care.

36. Talking about how you’re overweight because of your “metabolism” or your “genes”…when your mouth is full.

37. “Irregardless.”

38. Beginning any statement about your political views with “Hey hey, ho ho.”

39. Talking about childrens’ “self esteem.”

40. Talking about the “stimulus” as if it is a job-saver, rather than a left-wing giveaway.

Lately…*sigh*…this sh*t all looks the same to me.

Cross-posted at House of Eratosthenes.

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