A Balanced Discussion About Social Security — Satire By Spacemonkey

05 Apr, 2005 by John Hawkins

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Here we’ll take a balanced look at social security with all sides weighing in on the matter.
Social Security Question and Answer Session

What is wrong with Social Security?

Left Side – Nothing. Ok well, we’ll tweak it a little. Really the only thing that would improve it is putting it in the U.S. Constitution or the U.N. Charter.

Right Side – A whole freakin’ lot. In fact, just short of everything. We don’t even really like the name all that much.

Off Side (me) – Everything. Well, it’s my money, why can’t I freaking keep it/lose it/buy a Play Station Portable with it or groceries or plastic yard bunnies or whatever? But NOOOOOO, instead I have to take it out of every single freakin’ paycheck and put it into an account I’ll probably never see a red cent of unless we start euthanizing more inconvenient people pretty soon.

When will Social Security run out of money if nothing is changed?

Left Side – Never, if money ever gets low, we’ll just institute a tax on Bibles, Bible reading and any other Bible related activilties, up to and including thumping.

Right Side – 2017 or 2041 depending on what you mean by run out.

Off Side – 1954, Right now it takes on average 3 people’s pay in to match 1 person’s payout. At 3:1 it sounds like it’s already out of money to me.

Who will use personal accounts?

Left Side – Everyone will be forced to. Your money will be taken from you by jack booted thugs at gun point. We don’t have a problem with this in principle since that’s how we’d like to see taxes taken. Our real concern is that it will then all be given to evil rich Republicans. Oh and the dead will all have to be dug up to see if they we buried with loose change in their pockets. The dead people change will also given to the evil rich Republicans for them to spend on having their gold-plated everything turned into platinum-plated everythings.

Right Side – Only those who desire to participate will. Those who chose not to participate can keep their account the way it is. People over 50 will not have the option.

Off Side – Only the people who brought me really cool presents for my 13th birthday will be allowed to participate. This is the 22nd year I’ve continued to accept these presents. Hint: I like things with the initials PSP. Oh and that blogger Phil. he can use them too.

Describe Social Security in 25 words or less.

Left Side – A great big ol’ warm bear hug from our nanny, the government. Good for us who are too dumb/lazy to plan for our own retirement. [long sigh]

Right Side – Social Security, an idea whose time has come and GONE. Social? I dunno,maybe. Secure? HAH! HAH! HAHHHAHHAHHAHA HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH!. HAHAHAHHAHAHH! [deep breath] AHAHAHAHA HAHHHAHAH! [COUGH] HAH!

Off Side – I say its time to let it die a dignified painless death. And somebody please get the ‘Right Side’ guy some water, he’s turning red.

Thanks for tuning in.

This satire was used with the permission of IMAO. You can read more of Spacemonkey’s work at IMAO.