A Frank Guide to Appealing to the Nutroots

Hi, it’s Frank J. of IMAO, America’s favorite Frank J.

If you’ve ever gone to a place like the Daily Kos, you’ll notice that those guys are crazy. I mean literally sitting in a circle, eating their own feces while ranting about how President Bush stole their bong crazy. It’s been documented.

Still, the Democratic Presidential candidates need to appeal to these guys — at least to get through the primary. This is hard for them, because their concerns are widely different from anyone else in the country. The front page of the Daily Kos is pretty much always taken up by calls for subpoenas and impeachment and the status of their ongoing war with Joe Lieberman (you can almost hear them shout “jooooo!” while shaking their tiny fists every time he’s mentioned; he’s Senator until 2012, guys — the war is lost. It’s time you pull out of that quagmire). Any major news concern to most of the country — like the current attempted terrorist attacks — will be lucky if it even gets a mention by them. The current favorite presidential candidate of Daily Kos is John Edwards, a prissy little girl trapped in a man’s body who has no chance on a national stage. Obviously these types of people are chemically imbalanced in their brains which makes it hard for an astute politician to know what to do around them. To help, I wrote this guide:


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OUT: Pride in this country.
IN: Apologizing effusively to the rest of the world for America’s very existence.

OUT: Harsh rhetoric directed towards terrorists.
IN: Harsh rhetoric directed towards Joe Lieberman.

OUT: A gruff demeanor that exudes authority.
IN: Silky hair and a winning smile.

OUT: Respect for the military.
IN: Making sure those brainwashed, kill-bots don’t turn on the public.

OUT: Soaking ourselves in the blood of our enemies.
IN: Pretty red ribbons.

OUT: Death for Islamic extremists.
IN: Hugs for Islamic extremists.

OUT: Concern for large national threats against our very way of life.
IN: Broadband internet for the poor.

OUT: New weapons for devastating our enemies.
IN: Collages of America’s injustices.

OUT: Vowing to bring terrorists to justice.
IN: Vowing to bring the Bush Administration to justice.

OUT: Fighting real problem like Islamic extremism and nuclear weapons.
IN: Fighting made up problems like global warming or any other threat that can be fought through recycling instead of bullets.

OUT: Testicles.
IN: Rainbows.

Full Disclosure: Frank J. is too dumb to work on any presidential campaign.

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