A Message From The United States Department Of Education — Satire By The Chortler

Because of the suspected use of performance enhancing substances by the overwhelming majority of people in the artistic community, a number of great works have now been called into question.

As a result, the United States Department of Education has been forced to place an asterisk beside numerous pieces once considered to be part of the classical canon.

In literature, for example, works by William Shakespeare, Mark Twain and Ernest Hemingway — each of whom is suspected of using various stimulants to assist in the creative process — will now be crossed off mandatory reading lists.

Hamlet and the Mona Lisa are just two of the classic works which will now carry an asterisk.

Likewise, paintings by suspected drug users Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali will be torn out of all artistic text books from this point forward.

Furthermore, music recordings will now be taped over so that the creations of alleged abusers of performance enhancing substances — i.e., every piece of music written so far — are not provided an unfair advantage over musicians who choose to remain sober and drug-free.

Together with the Bush administration and the United States Congress, the Department of Education hopes that from now on American students will be free to enjoy the three remaining works of art at their disposal.

This satire was used with the permission of the Chortler.

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