Americans Don’t Like Soccer Because It’s So Boring It Sucks Your Will To Live

Writer Michael Mandelbaum has produced a column called, “Why America hates (soccer)“. Mandelbaum speculates that Americans dislike “footie” because…

— Baseball, basketball, & football are already popular here
— it’s so similar to BASKETBALL (that’s simply a bizarre argument)
— the games end in draws too often.

Of course, this ignores the “elephant in the living room,” perhaps because the pachyderm in question is conked out asleep & laying in a puddle of his own drool after being forced to watch a game of soccer.

Put quite simply, if there were a competition for the “most boring, least action packed sport on Earth,” soccer would be a strong contender for the crown. I mean, almost every sport you can imagine has more going on than soccer. Baseball, golf, cricket, WNBA basketball, slow pitch softball, ping pong, freeze tag, foosball, you name it, it’s all a thrill-a-minute rocket ride down the side of Mt. Everest compared to footie.

Soccer is like watching the “Blair Witch Project” for the sixth time, counting grains of sand on the beach, or trying to sing every verse of “37,000 bottles of beer on the wall”. How all of these “soccer hooligans” can stay awake through an entire game, much less muster the energy to riot afterwards, is beyond me.

Moreover, soccer is such a tedious “slug race on a sheet of flypaper” sport, that the only enjoyment most Americans get out of it is knowing that when we win, the fact that we don’t care is like a shiv to the heart of soccer fans from whiny, ungrateful, countries around the world who complain incessantly about our country.

That being said, isn’t the real question: “Why the hell is soccer so popular?”

Most people seem to think it’s because all you need is a ball and a few sticks to put in place for a goal to get a game going. Personally, I think it has to do with the fact that socialism helps turn people into zombies who enjoy dull, slow paced, effeminate games that may as well have been designed by the sort of knock-kneed milksops who think dodgeball is too competitive of a game for children to play.

So here’s an alternative suggestion: try thumb wrestling or mercy tournaments. They’re more exciting than “footie” and it’ll help prepare you for life in the capitalist system instead of helping to turn you into a socialist weenie who actually knows something about David Beckham beyond the fact that he plays soccer.

PS: I was just kidding about everything except the parts where I emphasized how boring and lame soccer was.

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